Seven years....

Seven years ago, today, was my most favorite day. It will always be my most favorite day. I love thinking about the moment I first laid eyes on each of my babies and how exponentially my heart grew in that moment. In an instant, I knew, nothing would ever be the same. I would never be myself again, from that moment, I would always be different. My heart literally existed outside of my body. I was finally, a mom.

But that moment...the one I love so much, also reminds me of something else. The Before. This image always flashes in my head of that time.  Laying face down, weeping, on the floor of an empty room, holding another failed pregnancy test. The room that was ear-marked as a nursery for years, yet sat empty...waiting. Year after year, test after test, tear after tear, waiting.

Today the twins are seven. They've been in this world seven years. The same amount of years we waited and tried, wanting so badly to be parents. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago. A different life. A part of me that I know longer identify with. But the beauty of March 6th would never be the same without the pain of those days before.

Every single day, I look at those smiling faces, I am reminded of God's goodness. It never gets lost on me. Seven years and I still look and them get teary eyed. There are so wonderfully and fearfully made, so perfectly full of joy and goodness. I simply adore being their mama and it never, ever, ever gets old.

I love this day. I love being their mom. I love Tucker Rope and Adelyn Marie more than I ever thought humanly possible. I love the journey that brought me from The Before to The After. I love the many, many, many prayers that were said on our behalf during those days. I can still see the faces of so many precious people gathered in that tiny room or at my parents' house praying for God to grant our desires. Tucker and Adelyn will always be my favorite answered prayer and I love that many of you get to watch your prayers grow up.

I also grieve today. Grieve with those who are still face down on the floor, pleading with God to grant their desires. There is rarely a day that passes that I do not present names to God of women who so desperately want to be a mother and ask that He blesses them. Infertility is a club that no-one wants to join. It's painful and isolating. Yet throughout the past eight or so years, I asked that God use my journey to bring glory to His name. And in that, others may know His power.

Seven years. Seven years of being a mama. Seven years of learning and knowing everything about these precious babies. Ady's laugh. Tucker's smile. Good night prayers and night-night songs. Thank you God for March 6th. May we never grow old of singing your praises.

I still remember praying for the things I have now...

A spirit of contentment

I'm long overdue for a blog. And I know it. I've had one mentally going for awhile, but it's sometimes hard to commit to sitting down and writing it all out. Blogging tugs at my soul. And it's hard to decide that I'm ready to put on paper (or a screen) all of things bottled up inside of me. Even if they are all good things, it is somewhat taxing. But it's overdue and hopefully, all of the jumbled mess inside of me will come out in one nice, clearly written peace.

I had a blog planned for the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019, but truth be told, I really enjoyed my downtime during Christmas break away from the computer. With teaching online AND taking classes online (and face-to-face) any break from the computer is a welcome one. But we are fast approaching the kiddos birthdays and our ONE YEAR anniversary in our new home, so I figure it's a good time for an update.

In many aspects, 2017 and the beginning on 2018 were just plain hard. And sad. It was a year of change, but at the time, many of those changes were quite uncomfortable and not quite the way I anticipated life going. Our in-vitro failed. I went back to work full-time. We didn't get pregnant on our own. Derek changed jobs and I wasn't super pumped about it. We put our house up for sale and moved. The twins started kindergarten. I started school.

That's a whole lotta change in a short amount of time!

Life was hard. For the good part of a year, I was sad. I recently found my prayer journals from 2017-2018 and I found a whole lot of sadness. I cried for a baby. I cried for the babies we lost. I wept over the selling of our house. Things didn't go according to my plans and it was really, really hard to understand why.

I can vividly remember the moment my heart changed. It was around the 2nd week of kindergarten, in August, and I was driving with Colson to San Angelo after dropping the twins off. And I was happy. Genuinely happy. I remember looking in the rear view mirror at him and smiling. And right then, at about 9:00 in the morning, I remembered that it was the one year anniversary of our in-vitro failing. BUT the craziest thing of it all- I didn't feel sad. God had given me a peace and I had found joy in the life that we had. Dropping the kids off at kindergarten- which they loved. Spending time with Colson in the car. Being happy on my way to work.

God had changed my mourning into dancing.

It's amazing to me that after so many lessons, I still forget that God is faithful. It's like I have to be hit on the head every 2-3 years with the truth that I AM NOT IN CHARGE. God's plan for my life is always SO MUCH BETTER than my own. Sure there has been sadness. Sure there are things that didn't quite go my way. But watching God's plan unfold in this past year has been truly amazing.

Selling our house? One of the best decisions we've ever made for our family. The move to Mertzon has truly blessed us and our kids beyond what I could ever imagine. And truth be told, I can't say that I've missed our old house. I hold onto the sweet memories we made at 325 Van Zandt, but we LOVE living in the country. The kids are thriving. My husband is too. They have so much room to run around and play and we love being all together, so close to Daddy's work. I didn't realize what fresh air and outdoor room to roam could do for all of us. Derek and the boys would be outside all day, every day if they could. And for me- the one who was most reluctant to move- I have found so much peace and joy living in the country. I love my house. I love the open air and room. It is peaceful. It is home.

The twins starting kindergarten? I was a nervous wreck. I was not ready for them to be away from me. Yet they have had the best year ever. They love being at work with Daddy. Going to school at Irion County has been the best decision we could have made for our littles. They have a wonderful teacher and have learned so much and get to participate in so many activities with the entire school community. In this short time period, they have probably spent more time with Derek than they did the first 5 school years when we were at home.

God. Is. So. Good.

As sad as we were that our in-vitro failed, Derek and I are content in our family. I longed for another baby for awhile after it was over, but as time went on, I found my peace. For reasons unknown to me, I have to believe that God made some babies to live with us here on Earth and some babies to live with Him in heaven. And I am SO HAPPY that He chose for me to have three here on earth, even though I still love those three in heaven. Through it all, I've learned that I don't always get the answers to the "Why?" questions. But my hope....my hope is in heaven. And my trust...that is in heaven too. I've had to learn things the hard way...over and over...that trusting God means letting go of my need to control. And even though that feels quite uncomfortable, letting go allows me to experience his peace.

We are coming up on our craziest, busiest, week of the year. What is really is, is a week to celebrate all of God's blessings in our lives. On Wednesday, the twins turn 6. SIX YEARS OLD! Six years since I first held them in my arms and got to kiss the very best answer to years of prayers. SIX YEARS! I can't believe it, but I also can't remember what life was before them. I can honestly say I've loved every minute. I still tear up when I look at them. Being their mommy is the best. The very best. They are worth every single tear, shot, pill, doctor's visit, mile driven, prayer said, diaper changed, everything. They. Are. So. Good.

On Saturday, the biggest surprise of our lives turns 4. Colson hands down is the best gift I didn't know was coming and proof of God's sense of humor. He is EXACTLY what God knew I needed in my life and he makes our family and lives so complete. He is funny. Smart. Charming. And loving. He is the snuggly single baby I am so glad I had the chance to have. Somehow, someway, I think those frozen babies had something to do with him coming along. They go hand in hand in my mind. Had we not been planning to implant those babies, I may have been on birth control and we would have no Colson. And what a sad life that would be. Colson makes our world so fun.

Next Monday, Derek and I celebrate 13 years of marriage. Thirteen years ago, we had NO CLUE what in the world was coming our way- and I'm glad we didn't. We may not have said "I do". But marrying Derek is the best decision I ever made. We have our ups and downs and all arounds, but he keeps me grounded. Keeps life interesting. Drives me crazy. Keeps me laughing. And keeps me moving forward.

And this next week, we also celebrate a year in this wonderful house that we have made our home.

I'm so thankful for a God that can endure my sadness and my tears. That loves me enough to take my anger when things don't go my way. And whispers in my ear..."trust me. I love you. I have a plan."

Life isn't perfect by any means. In fact life right now is pretty much crazy 24-7. Juggling a full-time job, working on a Ph.D, supporting a coaching husband, keeping up with all of the twins' school activities, maintaining a household, and trying to keep Colson alive is often more than I can handle on a daily basis. I'm in tears quite often. I fail more than I like. And I often feel like I just can't keep it all together.  But my heart- my heart that was hurting for so long- my heart is thankful. Grateful. Peaceful. Content. I'm sure God will have to smack me over the head before too long when I forget that I'm not in charge, but for now, I will be thankful for the truth that He calms the storm.

"Jesus responded, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith! Then he got up...and suddenly there was a great calm." Matthew 8:26

The twins are starting kindergarten!

(Insert deep breath, stop for tears, and then attempt to start again)

Seriously though. How did we get to this point? Surely my two itty-bitty tiny babies that I prayed for years and years for cannot be about to start kindergarten. This mama heart is a mess all of time just thinking about it.

Weren't we just gathered in a tiny room praying for your arrival? Weren't we just bringing you home to your nursery and trying to figure out how in the world to keep you alive? How did we arrive at this point?

Isn't motherhood the most ridiculous thing in the world? One minute you they are inside of you and then spend the next year attached to you and somehow, someway, they all of a sudden are just walking away and going to be spending each and every day with someone else.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???

I can remember the first year that I brought Colson home and also had two 2 year olds at home. That year was the most PHYSICALLY demanding year of my entire life. I had 3 babies in diapers, cribs, who literally could not do ANYTHING by themselves. I had a baby (or two, or three) in my arms constantly. Opening drinks. Nursing. Wiping booties. Rocking to sleep. I literally had NO TIME to myself. I can remember crying from being so exhausted. Wanting just one minute to myself. Being so unbelievably overwhelmed that I had no idea how to make it from one day to the next.

And in a blink of the eye, everything changed.

In a few short weeks, my two lovies will walk out the door to their next big adventure and all of a sudden, I will no longer be the most needed person in their world. They are strong, independent, confident and brave. They will spend 40 + hours a week away from me. And they will do amazing.

How did we get here?

As much as I know they are ready for this, my mama heart isn't quite there yet. I am excited for them. They will have so much fun. New adventures every day. New friends. New fun. They will thrive. But I sure will miss them. Life with them is a HUNDRED times better than life without them. It will take some time to adjust to our new normal. Which will include being home with just Colson Lukey. Being home with ONE baby will be something TOTALLY new for me. I've never had just one kid at home. Ever. What in the world will we do with our time??? Whatever we do, I know I will not be bored because Colson keeps me on my toes ALL THE TIME!

I am thankful for the time we have got to spend all together this summer. Thankful for the blessing of the past five and half years spent mostly at home with my loves. Thankful for the blessings that God has given us through the gifts of Tucker and Adelyn. Thankful for our move to Mertzon which allows them to have an incredible kindergarten teacher AND to have their daddy as their PE teacher. I'm thankful that we will have a short 5 minute drive to school and that my job will allow me to be the one to take them to school and pick them up. I'm thankful that God chose me to be their mama and that he has allowed me SO MUCH TIME with them the past five and half years. And I'm thankful for all the new wonderful things that He has in store for them in this coming year. It is another year of change for the Schoen household. My mama heart is still aching...but I am praying each and every day for the school year to come.

"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

               ...a time to weep and a time to laugh,"

Ecclesiastes 3:1,4