Goodbye 2017!

Happy New Year's to all!

What a whirlwind year 2017 was! This year brought some extreme change to our family, both highlights and low times, and I can honestly say, I am glad that it is behind us. I am looking forward to 2018 with the anticipation of a new year, a new start, and the many changes that lie ahead of us this year.

If I think back to this exact moment last year, the beginning of 2017 was so incredibly different then where we are today. I had quit my job teaching, had just begun to adjunct for ASU, and was anxious about changing insurances after spending my whole life being covered my teacher insurance. As much as I knew that quitting my teaching job was what God wanted for our family, I worried about how in the world we were going to make ends meet, what would happen if we had a financial or medical crisis, and what my future would be professionally if I took time off.

Of course, the major thing we were anticipating in 2017 was our second round of in-vitro and implanting our precious snow babies. This was something that we had thought about and prayed about for 5 years and we had saved up to be able to cover the cost without affecting our savings. We entered 2017 with hopeful, anticipating hearts, not quite knowing what the year would bring, but praying that God would take care of our family and hopefully bring another baby or two into our home.

Fast forward to the start of 2018, and I honestly can say I would never have guessed that this is where I would be a year ago. Never in my wildest dreams would I thought that I would be working full-time with no babies in my belly. It may sound naive to many of you, but I really and honestly never thought that our in-vitro would fail. Which sounds silly, because I know the statistics and success rates were never a guarantee. But I always thought that those babies made it to freezing because they were meant to be part of our family. Why else would they have made it through the last 5 years?

I can also honestly say, that I did not know that I would struggle with the failed in-vitro as much as I have. In the past five years, I never really saw the failure as an option, so to say that I was blind-sided is an understatement. Every future that I have imagined for the past five years has included these babies here with us. So this new reality that I have lived in every day since August 22nd has been an adjustment. Getting out of bed is harder than I would ever have imagined. Going to sleep at night knowing that our babies no longer exist in this world is haunting. Trying to come to grips with something that I just don't understand has exhausted me to the point that I just have to give it up.

2017 will always be the year that our in-vitro failed. And that makes me sad.

But....as always...in every hard time and year, there is also hope. I may remember 2017 for the dreams that did not come true, but I will also remember the good that existed. This year,

• My precious babies turned 2 and 4 and everyday with them is an adventure. 
• My love and I celebrated 11 years of marriage and even though we went through some trying times, we went into this year and out holding hands. 
• I fell in love with my adjuncting job at ASU and was offered a full-time position as an instructor this fall. I can honestly say that I love my job for the first time in years and God provided exponentially in terms of salary and benefits. I no longer worry about my kids getting sick or paying a doctor's bill. 
• We spent a fabulous week at family camp and really enjoyed our family time together.
• I applied and was accepted into a doctoral program at Texas Tech and will begin fulfilling a dream that started my first day at ACU when I knew that I was meant to teach in college. 
• Derek moved from Miles to Mertzon and is happy teaching elementary PE and coaching there. 
• Christmas with our family was a blessing and the kids had such a fun time this year.

There was good this year, amidst the sadness. And as always, God was present.

I am anticipating this new year and thinking about all of the newness that will occur in 2018. I will be  starting my doctorate. We will (hopefully) be selling our house soon and moving to Mertzon. Our babies will turn 3 and 5. We will (prayerfully) be out of diapers for the first time in 5 years (YIPPEE!) The twins will start kindergarten (sob!). It's a year of change and while it seems overwhelming to say the least, I am ready to start new.

I've come to a point where I have to let go of the sadness of our failed in-vitro. While it seems like an impossible feat, it's time to heal. I know from past experience, that the loss will never go away, but it is time to take steps towards healing. I feel like this fall I spent a lot of time trying to ignore the pain and put a bandaid over what I was feeling all while never really dealing with what was actually going on.

It's time for the bandaid to come off.

Because as sad as 2017 was, 2018 is a new year. And I have 3 beautiful babies at home, a husband that loves me, and a job that I love. It's time for me to get back to being me. I don't know how or when that will happen. But I do know that I am ready. It won't be an easy process. It won't be a painless process. And since I usually have to learn things the hard way, it will probably be a long process. But I know that I am ready.

I've committed to spend the month of January preparing for this new year. I am taking a break from social media, simplifying some areas of my life that need simplifying, and really spending some quiet time trying to figure out what God has in store for this year to come. I am mindful of the 8 short months that I have left before the twins start school this year and I want to make sure that I enjoy every single minute that I can with them before that happens.

In all things, God works for the good of those who love him. The verse I am meditating on right now is Proverbs 16:3. "Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." I'm going to spend the month of January committing this year to Lord and and seeing what plans he has in store for us!

Saying Goodbye

Well....I always knew this day would come, but the time to say goodbye to our house. When we bought this house 8 years ago, we knew it was not a forever home. Our goal was always to be where Derek was coaching when the kids started kindergarten. And somehow, before our very eyes, time has flown by and we are fast approaching that day. Derek has spent the past 8 years commuting from this house to 3 different schools and we are ready to be closer to him. I knew it was coming...but knowing sure doesn't make it any easier.

For me, it's not just a house. It's a home. Our home. And before that, it was my grandparents' home. A home that they saved for years and years to build- and paid cash for. A home that they designed and worked hard to provide for our family to love for years to come. A home that has been loved by our family for 45 years. There have been many tears shed over the thought of leaving this place.

As a child, this home meant coming to see Mammaw and Pappaw. Playing baseball in the living room and Mammaw's cooking. It meant sitting at my grandmother's feet and letting her rub my back. Sleeping on a pallet on her floor and having her bribe me with a $1 if I could just be still. Many Christmas Eve's were spent opening presents and Christmas mornings with a big breakfast. As I got older, it meant visiting with my grandmother. Coming and talking and soaking up her wisdom. I could guarantee that she would be in her chair with her bible next to her every time I visited.

After my grandma died, Derek and I bought the house and decided to make it our own. We knocked out walls, painted, laid tile, changed doors, and everything in between. It was the first home we got to call our own. We left the front room empty and prayed that God would fill it with a baby- although his plan took much longer than we expected! I will never forget the faces of my friends and family who crammed in that empty room and pleaded with God to bless us with a child. I often prayed in there during those long years of wait with tears streaming. That room is Holy Ground.

And then- the day that our dreams came true! We brought our babies home to that room and spent countless hours in that same room rocking and feeding babies. Our babies learned to walk here in the living room. Took their first baths in tub. Said their first words and ate their first foods. For the past 4.5 years, this home has been SO full of LOVE and LAUGHTER. Singing is a daily occurrence. The fireplace is their stage. We can hear their feet coming down the hall in the morning with sleepy bed hair for morning snuggles.

To say that this home has been a blessing to our family is an understatement. So much love and happiness, and some pain and sorrow, has happened in these walls. We love this home and selling it is not small feet.

BUT...in all things, God is good. We truly believe that this is what is best for our family. The time gained with Derek is something that we long for so much. The hour he spends driving each day will be reduced to 5 minutes. Being part of the community where are children go to school is something that we all desire. Having room to run around outside and explore is going to be amazing for our boys- and Derek too. Even in the sadness, we look forward to the possibilities that await us living in a smaller community.

So we have officially listed our house for sell. We cherish the memories that this home holds and look forward to making many more in a new home. The best part of memories is that we can take them with us! And this house, as much as I love it, is just brick and walls. The people I get to take with me- they are my true home!

I'm ok...

That's the answer I've been giving people when they ask me how I'm doing. I don't really know how to respond. So most the time, I usually say...I'm ok. Instead of saying...

I'm not good.
I'm not fine.
I'm just sad.
And I miss my babies.

I miss those sweet snow babies more than I ever even knew possible. It's hard to put into words how I can miss someone I've never seen, never held, never even named. But I miss the thought of them. The hope that existed before August 22nd. The dreams and the future that always involved them being here with us. And knowing that every future I've envisioned for the past five years involves them being here with us. I miss my babies.

And it's hard.

In-vitro is hard. It's an extremely complicated roller-coaster of emotion that can end in the most amazing way, or in the most disappointing. It's full of hormones and shots and doctor's appointments all leading up to this moment where you get the best of news, or the worst. And you never really know what the end result is going to be until you do it. We have a best case scenario...and now a worst. And trying to "come out" of the haze of emotion and hormones has been challenging, to say the least.

I used to think I was going to be upset by the wasted money or all of those terrible shots. Even going through the process this time, I kept thinking "I can't imagine someone doing all of this and it not working." Or spending so much money, and coming out empty handed. But honestly, that has bothered me very little. I miss my babies more than I miss the money. I just wish they were still here inside me. Those dreaded shots I had to take every night, I would give anything to still be doing them. Because it would mean that there was still hope. Still a future with my snow babies in it.

Then there's the flip side... I have three beautiful babies at home. And I know more than anything that I am so extremely blessed. And the truth is, they have made this process easier. They don't take away the pain of losing our pregnancy, but they bring me joy each and every day. Being their mom is the best thing I am. And I love it. They love me even when I'm sad, and they help me on the days that are the hardest.

But being a mom to three littles, doesn't change the ache of our failed in-vitro. If anything, it makes it harder. Because I know how amazing each of my children are. And knowing that, made me want these snow babies even more. I remember being THROUGH THE MOON when I found out about Colson. Not just because we were shocked we were pregnant. But because I was going to have another child to love. Tucker and Adelyn were basically the most AMAZING things I had ever laid eyes on. Getting to learn their personalities, getting to watch them change and grow was my favorite thing in the world. And finding out I was going to have another child made my heart so excited. I was excited about that in this round of in-vitro. And the reality of not getting to know those snow-babies the way I know my other 3 is hard to accept.

It's just hard.
And I'm still sad.

Days will go by and things will get easier. I know that. Having experienced a miscarriage, I (hope) there is a day that I can look back and say "Now I understand what why that had to happen." I think about my own miscarriage and know that if that pregnancy had worked out, I never would have done IVF and never would have had Tucker and Adelyn. I don't know why, but that pregnancy was not part of God's plan for us. But Tucker and Adelyn were. And I am beyond thankful for that.

But when you are standing in the middle of the "wilderness" or pain, it's hard to see or even understand the why. I simply have to trust that the God who created the heavens and the earth, the God that parted the Red Sea, the God who conquered death and reigns on high has a plan for my life. And right now, I may not understand that, but my trust is in the one who does.

I have no idea if this makes any sense or even why I feel the need to write this. I don't need sympathy...most people know I'm not the touchy-feely type. But when I started writing this blog, I promised to be honest on here. And that whatever came from this blog would be to the glory of God. It would be a whole lot easier to be one here posting about our successful in-vitro, sharing pictures of a growing baby bump, keeping everyone in the loop about a healthy pregnancy. But this is part of journey too. The hard, messy part. And maybe, just maybe...God has a plan for this part too.

When I first started the blog, I really didn't intend for it to be a way to connect with others who were going through IVF. I really just wanted it to be a way to communicate our process with friends and family and to ask for prayers. But God was able to use a very difficult process in our life and use it for his glory. So in all things, my prayer is that His power be evident through our weakness. In good times, and in bad. He is still my God, even when the answer is no.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Yesterday was...

...a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

The answer was no.

And I am sad.

I've thought about how I would write a blog like this for a very long time. I worried about it in 2012. What would I say? How could I come here and tell people the answer was no? How can I give glory to God when He didn't do what we asked him to do? I can honestly say, I'm thankful that I did not have to write this blog in 2012, but that doesn't make it all that much easier in 2017.

One of the hardest things about hearing the results yesterday was that we have "known" these embryos since they were made in 2012. They have been a part of our thoughts. Our dreams. Our prayers. Our plans. We have prepared for this for a long time. We've talked about them constantly. And never in the past 5 years did we ever think the outcome would be this. We just "knew" that God had made these embryos for a purpose. To make our family complete. To bless us with another child or children. And coming to grips with a future that is different from what we have thought for 5 years is hard right now. It's confusing. It hurts.

The "Why?" is there. God, WHY??? If these embryos weren't going to make it then WHY did you let them freeze? Why not let them just stop growing in 2012? Or not make it through the thawing process? Why did we have to go through so much to gain so little? So much time, worry, money, a surgery, IVF, leaving our kids, shots, pills....the list goes on and on. God couldn't you have saved us a WHOLE lot of pain and suffering and just NOT let these embryos make it?

GOD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

And unfortunately...I don't know if I will. It's HARD to understand the WHY and the PAIN when you're in it. There MAY be a day in the future that I can look back and point to this moment and say "Hey...I can see what God was doing there." But for now, I'll be real honest...I just don't understand. And you know what...it's ok. God's big enough to handle my frustration. He can handle my sadness. He can take my anger. He knows I'm hurting, and through it all, I know He's still there. Just like I said before...God is still good...even when the answer is no. I may be frustrated...but I do trust that His plan is better than my own. Even when I can't see or understand.

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

But it ended, with me being surrounded by my loves. I can't tell you how much it meant to come home from work and have four little arms wrapped around my neck. (Colson was too busy trying to figure out how an iPhone charger worked) The twins wrapped me in love, brought me tinker toy flowers, blankets, and told me "I was the best Mommy ever." Even in the sadness, I can't deny for a second that I am the most BLESSED mommy on the planet. God has blessed us beyond belief with the three most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And even though our road to them was long and full of no good, very bad days, the days after becoming their mommy have been the very best of my life. I do not for a second take for granted what a blessing they are and really can't fathom how much harder yesterday would have been without those three in my life. My heart aches for all of those who have to experience failed IVF and are still waiting to become Mommies. Truly aches.

I can also attest, that there is a rawness in putting myself out there like I have through this blog. I knew when I started that this was a possibility. I knew that one day I may have to come and blog about a no good, very bad day. And it's hard. But I can honestly say, I wouldn't take it back just to make this process easier. As hard as yesterday was, I was surrounded by people who loved me. Even if I couldn't talk to them because I had to hold it together to make it through work. I had dozens of people checking on me. Commenting. Sending messages. Phone calls. Dinner was at my door within the hour. It would have been easy to feel like God didn't love me yesterday, but he made sure that I knew I was loved. So thank you.

So for now...I am sad. We are sad. It's going to take some time to figure out what this looks like for us. All of the ideas and plans we had for this year revolved around me being pregnant. And that "picture" I had in my head will have to change. It hurts. It's still raw. And I know it will for awhile. It's going to take some time to say goodbye to these sweet little snowflake babies that we have loved for the past five years. I don't know when or how to do that...but I know it will take some time.

Thank you all for loving us through this. Thank you for the prayers. Even though the answer was no, I don't for one second believe that it is because your prayers weren't heard. We believe that God's plan is better than our own. So for now, we hold tight to that promise and wait to see what He has in store for us.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18