I had a blog planned for the end of 2018 and the beginning of 2019, but truth be told, I really enjoyed my downtime during Christmas break away from the computer. With teaching online AND taking classes online (and face-to-face) any break from the computer is a welcome one. But we are fast approaching the kiddos birthdays and our ONE YEAR anniversary in our new home, so I figure it's a good time for an update.
In many aspects, 2017 and the beginning on 2018 were just plain hard. And sad. It was a year of change, but at the time, many of those changes were quite uncomfortable and not quite the way I anticipated life going. Our in-vitro failed. I went back to work full-time. We didn't get pregnant on our own. Derek changed jobs and I wasn't super pumped about it. We put our house up for sale and moved. The twins started kindergarten. I started school.
That's a whole lotta change in a short amount of time!
Life was hard. For the good part of a year, I was sad. I recently found my prayer journals from 2017-2018 and I found a whole lot of sadness. I cried for a baby. I cried for the babies we lost. I wept over the selling of our house. Things didn't go according to my plans and it was really, really hard to understand why.
I can vividly remember the moment my heart changed. It was around the 2nd week of kindergarten, in August, and I was driving with Colson to San Angelo after dropping the twins off. And I was happy. Genuinely happy. I remember looking in the rear view mirror at him and smiling. And right then, at about 9:00 in the morning, I remembered that it was the one year anniversary of our in-vitro failing. BUT the craziest thing of it all- I didn't feel sad. God had given me a peace and I had found joy in the life that we had. Dropping the kids off at kindergarten- which they loved. Spending time with Colson in the car. Being happy on my way to work.
God had changed my mourning into dancing.
It's amazing to me that after so many lessons, I still forget that God is faithful. It's like I have to be hit on the head every 2-3 years with the truth that I AM NOT IN CHARGE. God's plan for my life is always SO MUCH BETTER than my own. Sure there has been sadness. Sure there are things that didn't quite go my way. But watching God's plan unfold in this past year has been truly amazing.
Selling our house? One of the best decisions we've ever made for our family. The move to Mertzon has truly blessed us and our kids beyond what I could ever imagine. And truth be told, I can't say that I've missed our old house. I hold onto the sweet memories we made at 325 Van Zandt, but we LOVE living in the country. The kids are thriving. My husband is too. They have so much room to run around and play and we love being all together, so close to Daddy's work. I didn't realize what fresh air and outdoor room to roam could do for all of us. Derek and the boys would be outside all day, every day if they could. And for me- the one who was most reluctant to move- I have found so much peace and joy living in the country. I love my house. I love the open air and room. It is peaceful. It is home.
The twins starting kindergarten? I was a nervous wreck. I was not ready for them to be away from me. Yet they have had the best year ever. They love being at work with Daddy. Going to school at Irion County has been the best decision we could have made for our littles. They have a wonderful teacher and have learned so much and get to participate in so many activities with the entire school community. In this short time period, they have probably spent more time with Derek than they did the first 5 school years when we were at home.
God. Is. So. Good.
As sad as we were that our in-vitro failed, Derek and I are content in our family. I longed for another baby for awhile after it was over, but as time went on, I found my peace. For reasons unknown to me, I have to believe that God made some babies to live with us here on Earth and some babies to live with Him in heaven. And I am SO HAPPY that He chose for me to have three here on earth, even though I still love those three in heaven. Through it all, I've learned that I don't always get the answers to the "Why?" questions. But my hope....my hope is in heaven. And my trust...that is in heaven too. I've had to learn things the hard way...over and over...that trusting God means letting go of my need to control. And even though that feels quite uncomfortable, letting go allows me to experience his peace.
We are coming up on our craziest, busiest, week of the year. What is really is, is a week to celebrate all of God's blessings in our lives. On Wednesday, the twins turn 6. SIX YEARS OLD! Six years since I first held them in my arms and got to kiss the very best answer to years of prayers. SIX YEARS! I can't believe it, but I also can't remember what life was before them. I can honestly say I've loved every minute. I still tear up when I look at them. Being their mommy is the best. The very best. They are worth every single tear, shot, pill, doctor's visit, mile driven, prayer said, diaper changed, everything. They. Are. So. Good.
On Saturday, the biggest surprise of our lives turns 4. Colson hands down is the best gift I didn't know was coming and proof of God's sense of humor. He is EXACTLY what God knew I needed in my life and he makes our family and lives so complete. He is funny. Smart. Charming. And loving. He is the snuggly single baby I am so glad I had the chance to have. Somehow, someway, I think those frozen babies had something to do with him coming along. They go hand in hand in my mind. Had we not been planning to implant those babies, I may have been on birth control and we would have no Colson. And what a sad life that would be. Colson makes our world so fun.
Next Monday, Derek and I celebrate 13 years of marriage. Thirteen years ago, we had NO CLUE what in the world was coming our way- and I'm glad we didn't. We may not have said "I do". But marrying Derek is the best decision I ever made. We have our ups and downs and all arounds, but he keeps me grounded. Keeps life interesting. Drives me crazy. Keeps me laughing. And keeps me moving forward.
And this next week, we also celebrate a year in this wonderful house that we have made our home.
I'm so thankful for a God that can endure my sadness and my tears. That loves me enough to take my anger when things don't go my way. And whispers in my ear..."trust me. I love you. I have a plan."
Life isn't perfect by any means. In fact life right now is pretty much crazy 24-7. Juggling a full-time job, working on a Ph.D, supporting a coaching husband, keeping up with all of the twins' school activities, maintaining a household, and trying to keep Colson alive is often more than I can handle on a daily basis. I'm in tears quite often. I fail more than I like. And I often feel like I just can't keep it all together. But my heart- my heart that was hurting for so long- my heart is thankful. Grateful. Peaceful. Content. I'm sure God will have to smack me over the head before too long when I forget that I'm not in charge, but for now, I will be thankful for the truth that He calms the storm.
"Jesus responded, "Why are you afraid? You have so little faith! Then he got up...and suddenly there was a great calm." Matthew 8:26
