Friday, August 11, 2017

The Embryos are In!

Wednesday afternoon, Derek and I loaded up and headed to San Antonio to get ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on Thursday. We basically decided last minute on Tuesday night to go ahead and go up on Wednesday because I NEEDED to get out of San Angelo. Stress, anxiety, and worry led to me having a MAJOR breakdown (thanks for talking me down, Kristin!) and we decided that a night in a hotel, some shopping, and good food were just the thing we needed to relax! And you know worked! And I have to say, one breakdown is not TOO BAD with the insane amount of hormones and stress I have going on these days. I am super thankful for my husband and the sweet time we spent together Wednesday night, although he was super confused about how a shopping trip to Kohls ended up at Kendra Scott! : )

After a good night's sleep, I woke up Thursday morning to take some medicine and get ready for the transfer. I had an ABUNDANCE of phone calls and text messages telling me they were praying for us. What an amazing feeling to know that so many people are praying for you and your babies! I love our sweet family and friends beyond measure. We stopped at Magnolia Pancake Haus for breakfast (YUM!) and then headed to the clinic. To prepare for the transfer, you have to drink a TON of water starting at 11:00 in order to have a full bladder. A full bladder helps tilt the uterus into position so that the doctor can see to transfer the embryos. When I first got to the clinic, my bladder wasn't quite full enough, so I had to walk around to see if that helped. Then the ultrasound tech came in, checked again, and thankfully it was full. I was ready to go except...


Somehow, one doctor was on vacation (my favorite doctor!!!), another got called to the hospital, and the other was on the phone to Mexico (what the heck?!?!?). Not only was there not a doctor available, but there was another lady waiting IN FRONT of me! So I had to sit and wait with a SUPER FULL bladder for the doctor to get there, transfer the other lady, and then come to my room. I was seriously like "HANG UP MEXICO!! This is URGENT!" Although, honestly, it wasn't too terrible. I'm just a little dramatic (shocking!).

After (painfully) waiting another 30 minutes or so, Dr. Martin came in to do the transfer. THANKFULLY, once the doctor comes in, the transfer only takes about 5 minutes. The embryologist had already come in and said our embryos made it through the thawing process and looked BEAUTIFUL! Once again, I am reminded of what a NEAT process IVF really is. We got to say hi to our embryos, tell them we loved them, and watched the implant them on the screen. The ultrasound tech assured us that they were in a good spot, and then I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes before finally getting to go to the bathroom...HALLELUJAH!!! Our trip home was fairly easy- I laid in the back of the truck and dozed on and off and I am home in a quiet house taking it easy for the next 24-48 hours.


It's kind of a surreal feeling! Honestly, I feel so much better on this side of things then I did on the days leading up to the procedure. I feel like we are finally able to complete what we set out to do 5 years ago. It feels so reassuring to have our embryos reunited with us and inside my body, where they are suppose to be! They spent FIVE LONG years away from us!!! I'm glad they are back with me!!!

I also feel an incredible amount of peace. Before the transfer, I felt like we were about to jump off a cliff. For whatever reason, when I told people what we were doing, people kept asking me if I was crazy. (FYI...not the best thing to ask a hormonal person!!!) I started feeling like maybe we really were crazy. I know people don't really understand the process or what it feels like to be in this position, but we really felt like we were doing what God called us to do even though it was SCARY. Fear and doubt crept in daily. Could we really handle more children? Would we be taking away from the three we have? We may have to buy a new house. A new car. A 15 passenger van. Who knows? The what if's are enough to make a non-hormonal person crazy! Just imagine what they did to me all hopped up on estrogen and progesterone!

But oh the PEACE I feel now. Perfect peace that comes from God alone. We started this journey placing our family in God's hands. We pray daily and tell God, "WE TRUST YOU TO PROVIDE". Let this be YOUR WILL and YOUR WAY. We don't trust ourselves with this area because we are TOO WEAK. We can't see the end result. We can't fathom how it's all going to work out. The only way we can make it through is with full and complete TRUST that God's way FAR EXCEEDS our own. So in this area, and hopefully in all other areas, we are taking ourselves out of the driver seat and saying "HERE YOU GO, GOD...DO WORK".

Quick story...The other night, one of my children wet the bed. In their attempt to "remedy the situation" they changed their shorts, and took a towel to cover that area of the bed and then laid down on the bed (Bless their sweet little hearts). I heard the noise, got up and went in their room where I removed the wet sheets, put a new sheet on, changed them into new pajamas, and got them all settled in a clean, fresh bed. I leaned over the bed and told them to always come and get me when something like this happens. That I would come help them and that they could always come wake me up when they needed help. That they didn't have to do it by themselves.

I was struck by how much this is like our heavenly Father. Not that I'm saying I am God, but that our God is a GOOD, GOOD Father. He longs for us to "wake him up". He watches us struggle at our own attempts to make things better, do things our way, feeble attempts to get it right. And when we simply turn to him, He is waiting right there to make things new. His ways FAR EXCEED our own at every turn. He doesn't want us to sleep on a towel, He wants brand new sheets for us! He doesn't want fear and anxiety to rule our lives, He wants to wrap us in his arms in perfect peace.

Now I have to stop here. Because last time we went through IVF, I struggled with this. I knew God was good, but what would I have said if He didn't answer our prayers. Would I still proclaim his goodness if the test had been negative? It's so much easier to shout it out on this side of infertility then it was for me those 6 long years that we were waiting. I didn't always feel like God had my best interest at heart. I didn't always feel that his plan was best. I didn't understand why He kept telling me no, month after month, negative test after negative test. Those days of struggle were hard. Lonely. Difficult. Painful. I affirm that it is definitely easier to look back and see God at work on THIS SIDE then to acknowledge it when you are in the trenches.

However, God has not changed. He wasn't "bad" before and "good" now. God is God. And what we lack in understanding, He makes up for in grace. He loves us enough to love us through the struggle and frustration and the moments where we just don't understand. He loves me enough to teach me OVER AND OVER that He is in control when I seem to forget daily. He loves us. And he's GOOD. Even when his answer is no, even when his plan is hidden, even when we can't do anything other then cry out in frustration. He is good.

So in all things, my prayer is that God's will be done. Through this journey, through our family, with these embryos...we are trusting God to make our family complete. Whether that be one baby, two babies, or no babies. Our prayer is that we continually remind ourself of God's desire to do good in our lives, because even though I may proclaim it here over and over again, my flesh longs to be in control and in charge.

Thank you my dear sweet friends and family for walking through this journey with us. I can't tell you enough how much it means to NOT BE ALONE! What an amazing GIFT that God gives us through PEOPLE. The people he's placed in our lives intentionally (like family) and the ones he lets us choose our own (like friends). I literally would not be where I am today without the faithful prayers of so many of you. You encourage me, lift me up when I'm feeling down, and commit to praying for not only Derek and I, but our sweet snow babies. We are excited about the possibility that exists through these embryos. I think of Tucker, Adelyn, and Colson's faces and dream about what another Schoen baby would look like. I love them so much my heart feels like it could explode! I can only imagine what God may have in store.

SO what's the plan from here??? I'm taking it easy through tomorrow, and then still pretty easy the next week or so. I will have blood drawn on Tuesday to check estrogen and progesterone levels. THANKFULLY after showing the nurse my severe reaction to the estrogen patches, they were able to switch me to pills! NO MORE ITCHY PATCHES!!! I continue with the pills and progesterone shots until the pregnancy test on August 22nd. If we have a positive test, I will stay on progesterone and estrogen until around 11 weeks.'s time to rest, relax and let these babies GROW GROW GROW!!! We love you ALL and we love our little snow babies!

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10

Relaxing at the hotel


Waiting to go in!

Our Embryos!

This is what the twins looked like when implanted

The little arrow points to where the embryos are placed

Waiting 10 minutes to pee!

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Transfer Update!


Well, not officially. But we do have a DATE! Next Thursday, I will travel to San Antonio for our transfer and have our teeny tiny "snow babies" implanted! Everything has gone really smoothly this time around! The little shots are done, I have estrogen patches all over my body (not really), and we are right where we need to be for our frozen embryo transfer (FET)! I will start the BIG ol' progesterone shots this Saturday, get ready for an overload of pills next week, and our little embryos have arrived in San Antonio at the fertility center ready to implant (seriously long story there). We have childcare arranged, travel plans made, and as long as everything goes according to plan, (yeah right!) we will have a nice, relaxing transfer!

I am anxious, nervous, excited, anticipating, everything you can possibly imagine all wrapped up into one big hormonal package. My hormones have taken me from crying over the smallest thing to raging over irrational non-issues. I've had sleepless nights and moments where I have absolutely no idea how in the world we are actually going to handle all that lies before us. When I sit down and think about it, it overwhelms me. The only thing I can do right now is just take one step forward at a time. Which is hard for someone who typically has the next 100 steps of her life planned out!


It's the one thing I keep coming back to over and over again. Last time we did in-vitro, I kept saying over and over again that I couldn't do it. Couldn't do all the shots. Couldn't do all the appointments. Couldn't handle the procedures. The only was I could make it through was by trusting in God and trusting that He would give me strength to make it through.

This time is different. I know this time I can handle IVF, I've done it before. I know I can handle the shots and procedures and appointments and all of the scary medical things before me. I've done this. I've got this. It's so easy to become overconfident in my ability to "do this" and not need to rely on God to help me through.

However, I would say more than anything, this time around, I am having to TRUST God even more than 5 years ago. God is calling us to walk out on to waters that TERRIFY me. I actually do know what it means to be a mom to 3 littles and the thought of possibly having 2 more sometimes keeps me up at night. There are days where there is simply not enough of me to go around with the family I have now. How in the world do I think I can do it with 4 children? 5 children? A new job? A husband who will be traveling farther to work? The list of doubts go on and on.

But my FEAR and DOUBT lie in my own abilities and weaknesses. Our God is BIGGER than every fear, every doubt, every tear. Trusting in God (usually) means you don't get all the answers. You don't get to see the big picture. You simply take one step at a time, following what you believe is His will, and trust that His plan is far greater than your own.

Our lives are evidence of that. If anyone had ever allowed me to "plan" out my family, I can guarantee you I wouldn't have planned out 6 years of infertility, a bazillion shots, procedures, surgeries, and IVF. I probably wouldn't have planned out having 3 kids in 2 years because that sounds a little crazy. Realistically, I doubt I would have planned a 3rd, 4th, or 5th baby. And sometimes we want so badly to "jump ahead" and get a glimpse of what lies before us so that we can make plans or know how things will turn out. I'm SO THANKFUL God didn't let me glimpse ahead of what was to come because I may have RUN for the hills!

Each and every day I get to live in the goodness of NOT getting my way. NOT planning my life. NOT getting a baby the first time I wanted one. NOT getting to be the one who called the shots. I wake up to the 3 most beautiful children in the entire woman and a smoking hot husband who loves me, even when I'm a grump. I get smothered in hugs and spend my days dancing to Moana. We laugh ALL DAY LONG! We play pretend, hunt the bad guys, rock our babies, and play like puppies. We swing high, play in the mud, ride our bikes, and eat ice cream. OUR GOD IS SO GOOD! Trusting Him means just allowing Him to HEAP blessing upon blessing that you could have never have dreamed up in your life.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us with these 2 frozen little embryos. I still have fear. I still have doubts. I'm still human! But I know that whatever may happen in the next month, it will be to God's GLORY. One of the fears I have in being so open during this process is the fear of "What if it doesn't work?" I remember being absolutely struck with FEAR the first time around before we did our pregnancy test. I remember thinking "What if I just put all this out there and it doesn't work? What if God doesn't come through?" It was paralyzing. But I have to remember that even if the answer is "no" our God will still be glorified. His plan will still be better than my own. He knows me and knows our family and He wants good for my life. Whatever the answer may be, our household will still be serving our Lord.

That being said, my heart is a little more tender this time because of the fact that we have involved Tucker and Adelyn in the process. (Colson too, but he literally has no idea what we are talking about and would rather be a monster than a big brother) The fact that they could be disappointed is definitely harder than dealing with my own disappointment. Again, I know that God is still good and I pray that He gives us the words to say to help us through whatever may come. But for now, our prayer is that God uses these embryos and blesses us with ANOTHER child(ren)!

Y'all, we COVET your prayers. I literally have no idea if this blog made ANY sense, but you can probably tell that I am ALL OVER the place! (Blame it on the estrogen) One thing I know through this ENTIRE process, is that God has blessed us with the most amazing friends and family in our life. Seriously. You people are amazing! I cannot tell you how much it means to have sweet sisters in Christ praying for me daily. To have friends who check in with me and take me to coffee when I'm crying over the silliest things. To have a husband who is literally the most AMAZING man in the world. Seriously. He LOVES me so well during the crazy. It would take a whole other blog to write out all the ways he serves me and our family on a daily basis. Our church, our friends, our family. God has blessed us in abundance. We are so thankful for your prayers and ask you to KEEP them coming. We can't wait to see what God is going to do. Blessed be His name!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Last shot!
Trying to remember to document the process

Shots HURT!

My girls! 

Ady loves to lay with me when I have a headache

Tucker started taekwondo and it's seriously the cutest thing eve

My little monster

The most wonderful man in all the world

Monday, July 17, 2017

Ready or Not....


Last Friday, in the middle of Camp Victory, I made a quick trip up to San Antonio for an ultrasound and appointment. The ultrasound was quick and easy, I wrote a nice big 'ol check, and picked up my big box of medicine for our Frozen Embryo Transfer. Before injecting my first shot on Saturday night, I was privileged to be prayed for by a very special group of people who I had spent the week serving alongside. It was a neat and humbling experience. After the immense number of prayers we had during our first round of IVF, I knew I didn't want to take a single shot without presenting our requests at the feet of Jesus. What a kind, loving Savior we serve!

Which brings me to a unique question, that I've already been asked several times. "Y'all want more kids????" It's kind of funny when people ask me that, because deep down I'm wondering if they really want to ask me, "Are y'all crazy???" I usually laugh when people say it and I'm sure I haven't given the best answers to those who ask. Last night, I thought about it and I think I've come up with a good answer. So when people ask, "Y'all want more kids?", my new response will be:

We want to do the will of God. 

Plain and simple. We are not doing this frozen transfer because 3 children is not enough for us. We are OVERWHELMING blessed by the 3 beautiful children God has given us. But God also blessed us with 2 frozen embryos in this process. 6 day old embryos that are Tucker, Adelyn, and Colson's genetic siblings. And while I know that this may be a touchy issue or a confusing one, we are simply not comfortable with any other decision other than implanting those embryos. We believe that God has a very special plan for our family, and that includes implanting these two precious "snow" babies.

And yes, I actually DO WANT more kids! I LOVE the idea of more children. I know that makes me sound CRAZY, but I have never felt like I was "done". I see newborns and my heart aches. I always knew we would implant these embryos, so I never cut off the idea of welcoming another baby to the Schoen family. And if my past experience is any indication, every time I try and take control of "planning" our family, God shows up and shows me who's really in control. We have decided to trust God in this area of our life and we are thankful that His plan is ALWAYS better than our own!


The shots I am right now are designed to "shut down" my system. I have 2 more ultrasounds and some bloodwork scheduled to make sure that is actually happening. Next week, I will start adding some hormones in to get ready for the transfer. Right now, the transfer is scheduled for the week of August 7th, depending on how everything responds.

It's amazing how much calmer I have been during this process. Perhaps, because I've been here before. Perhaps because I have so many other things and people to keep track of. I actually told Derek to make sure I remember to do the shots each night, which is NOT at all how I was last time. 5 years ago, each shot was the MAJOR event to the day! Now, I have 3 other little blessings to chase after and keep up with.

Regardless of where we are and how much life has changed, I know one thing is for sure. I don't want to go through this process with the prayers of others. We are so blessed with a loving family and faith community that have walked beside us through the highs and lows of this process. We are hopeful, excited, and (admittedly) a little nervous about how this process will go and what it will mean for our family. But in all things we do, we trust in a God is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine! So thank you for joining us in prayer as we prepare to implant these little "ice" babies! Love you all!!!

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14

These pictures were actually from our first appointment and consult in San Antonio, but I didn't have time to take a picture this last time!

Thursday, June 29, 2017

A long overdue update...

I don't even know where to start. Do I go back and give an update on all that has happened in the last year? Do I catch up to the present and clue y'all in on what's going on now? Or do I fast forward to the exciting times that lay ahead? Do I apologize for lack of blogging? Or just pretend that I have been so busy that I haven't had time to blog.

The answer is....yes. I will try and do all of the above.

So here's a quick update into what has been going on...

This past school year was absolutely the best of my life. I stayed home with my babies, we followed Derek around as he went to state and did amazing things and cheered loudly for all of his kids. Our days at home were filled with love and laughter, trips to the park and library, play-dates, and joy. I loved every single minute of it. I started adjuncting at ASU in the Fall and absolutely love what I do. As the Spring went on, I was given more classes, and an opportunity to move into a full time position this fall.

Can I stop there for a minute?

HOW GOOD IS OUR GOD??? Seriously??? I can remember having anxiety and a near panic attack last August when my last paycheck came from the school. I knew God was calling me to stay home, but the sheer weight of providing for a family of 5 on one paycheck was daunting. We had turned down a position that would have allowed for a bigger paycheck, but would have included a move away from family and church. We committed to staying here and making it work and trusting God with our livelihood. The best part about it all??? Watching God provide. Over and over again. In little things and in big. To say that God has heaped out his blessing on us this past year is an understatement. He is a GOOD good Father.

Which brings me to another sidebar....why haven't I blogged???

The easy answer is "I've been too busy". Surely everyone can relate to that. I have three VERY active kids. Sitting down and blogging doesn't exactly lend itself to that lifestyle very often. But if I'm being honest with myself, and with you, that's really not the reason. The reason is much harder to admit...especially in this forum. 

So what's the real reason? Ugh...writing it out seems so harsh. But the truth is I feel guilty sometimes. This blog started out as a desire to have children and God has made that reality come true...THREEFOLD! I should want to shout it from the rooftop, sing it from the hills, bask in the glory of motherhood. And I do...most of the time. But I also admit in my own weakness, that being a mother to 3 littles has been hard. Sometimes I don't trust myself to blog because all I want to say is "ITS TOO HARD". And then I feel the guilt. Motherhood is the hardest gift I have ever prayed without ceasing for! Each and everyday, I give everything I have to raising these 3 littles and's not enough! There's not enough of me to go patience runs thin, I do and say things that I regret.

And that's hard to admit. The girl that was begging and pleading God for a baby 5 short years ago sometimes cries out to God "PLEASE help me God. It's TOO MUCH to handle!!" Oh how thankful I am for God's grace. It's hard to admit that I can't handle it all. I hate even uttering a complaint knowing there are women out there who are still waiting for God to answer their prayers. It feels selfish and self-seeking and most days, I feel like I just can't make it all work. 

Thank you God for your Grace. I'm so thankful to serve a God who does not require perfection. I struggle each and everyday with measuring up to this image I have in my head of what a perfect mom should be. I'm not talking Pinterest mom...I know I'll never be that. But I desire to be a mom who loves her children and shows them Jesus. Each and every day. Soft and gentle, kind and disciplining. And I fall short all the time...but I just keep trying. Thank you God for patience. item of business....what's going on now?

We've had a great summer up to this point, full of VBS, pool playing, trips to Mimi and Papa's and lots of playing with our cousins. I feel like we are directly in a crossroads professionally this summer. Derek has accepted a position at Irion County (Mertzon) as the elementary PE teacher and Cross Country coach. As a coaching family, it is pretty remarkable to say that we have been to 3 different schools and stayed in the same house and church. I'm beyond thankful for that. The twins still have one more year at home before kindergarten, so at this point we are planning on staying in our house for the time being with the goal of moving out to Mertzon by next August. I will be taking on more responsibility at ASU as a full-time instructor. We don't have all the answers yet as to what that will look like for our family, but we are excited for the opportunity and what it will mean for our family. 

And now for the real news...

Another reason I feel like I haven't blogged is because most of this blog was about doing in-vitro the first time. Somehow, I sometimes feel like if I'm not talking about that, no one cares. I have no idea if that is true or it's just me.

So for all of you who ARE wondering...we are actually getting ready for our next round of IN-VITRO!!! Crazy enough for you people? It's almost comical thinking of all the other things we have going on in life. But we have planned this and prayed for this for a long time and feel like this is the best time for our family. So ready or we go!

I had a consult in San Antonio back in May to make sure we were ready to implant. Part of the process included a hysterogram which came back abnormal- meaning there was something going on in my uterus. In order to implant, my uterine lining must be smooth. So this past Tuesday, I had a day surgery to clean out anything abnormal on my uterine lining. All went well and I am recovering nicely. 

In a few short weeks, I will begin shots and medicine to prepare for our frozen transfer. For those of you who don't remember, we have 2 frozen embryos from when the twins were made. Our initial goal was to use them about 3 years ago when I found out I was already pregnant with Colson. So we now ready to use these "snow" babies and see what God has in store for our family.

How are we feeling? Nervous? Absolutely! Excited? Absolutely! Adelyn is beyond excited about the possibility of a baby sister. I think she already tells anyone who will listen that she is having a baby sister. She prays everyday for one. We are echoing that prayer to God saying "Please God give her a baby sister" although we know we will be happy with whatever He has in store for us! 

So there's a crazy update, year wrap-up, future endeavors all in one. We covet your prayers during these next few busy months for our family. We thank you all for bearing with us, loving us, and encouraging us for the past 5 years! I wonder each and everyday how people do life in this world with out Christian brothers and sisters to love them. 

"Give thanks to the LORD for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalms 107:1

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Where my trust is without borders...

I've had it on my heart for many years to stay at home with my children. It's really all I ever wanted to do. When it took so long to get pregnant, I wondered if I would ever see that day come to fruition. I wanted something so bad...yearned for it so much...prayed for it and still it felt so out of reach.

After the twins were born, I quit teaching. Turned in my resignation and decided to stay home. Then a couple of weeks before school started in August, my principal called me and asked if I would be interested in teaching part-time. It was what I had been asking for the previous two years and I didn't think was going to happen. I saw it as a sign that God was providing for us with that job and accepted. I was able to teach part-time for the past three years, and even though my heart longed to be at home more with my children, I really felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.

Last year, however, my heart really changed. I hated leaving my kids. I hated shuffling them around with sitters and school. My job wasn't working out well for me or my children. It was just hard. By this time, Colson was in the mix and the thought of letting go of a steady income, complete with benefits and retirement seemed unimaginable. At least, to my worldly brain.

How in the world did I forget that we serve a God who is the KING of the world??? I have to remind myself over and over again that our God is so so so much bigger than my concerns about money and insurance and how I was going to make ends meet. He can literally speak life into being. Time after time, He has proven himself to make such better plans for my own life than I could ever even imagine.

Look at Tucker and Adelyn. My earthly brain said I didn't want to do in-vitro, yet God had a bigger plan. Look at Colson. When I tried to take matters into my own hands and implant our frozen embryos, God already had Colson knit together in my womb.

WHY do I DOUBT???? Why do I think that I know so much better than God? Why do I worry and anguish and cry and wonder how in the world it's all going to work out when our God already has the details falling into place in his own perfect time. Even when I KNOW deep down that God will take care of things...I still doubt. Over and over again.

When I considered quitting my job, Derek and I went back and forth over and over again. I had been praying over the decision since September (yes when school had just started) and I finally decided to do it in February. Moving forward, we didn't have a clear idea of how we would make it work, we just decided to go for it. Opportunities arose for more income, but we decided to stay put and trust that somehow it all would work. We didn't know how, but we believed it was best.

Fast forward to today....

I am literally basking in the joy of staying home with my children. For the first time in my life, I am 100% happy with my job and choice. I get to spend the majority of my time each week with my children. I get to be the one they wake up to, that fixes their lunch, takes them to school, and puts them down for nap. I LOVE being home with them more than anything I've ever done. My heart is experiencing a peace that I have never felt before.

And financially? God is so so good. It's almost funny to watch how amazingly He has provided for us. All of the little details of our lives are worked out with so intricately. It's amazing. We haven't wanted for anything. We haven't needed anything. I have two amazing part-time jobs that provide for all of our extras. The few hours that I have to leave and work, the kids get to spend at Grammy's house or school. It's the best scenario for everyone.

Why do we forget to trust??? It happens so easily. My life is full of evidence of a God that provides in every situation. Yet still I doubt. Still I wonder. Still I cry out. How did I forget that you've always been the King of the World?

I'm so thankful that we serve a God that does not depend on our FAITH to be God. A God who is bigger than our disbelief, bigger than our doubt, big enough to still continue to take care of us even when we forget.

And how I long to remember this when the doubts creep in again. When I've already started worrying about implanting frozen embryos and how many will take. When I lay awake at night praying to God about things I can control.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Not getting ready for the first day of school...

For the first time in 27 years, I am not preparing for the first day of school. No laying out clothes. No packing a lunch. No setting up a classroom. No lesson plans, syllabi, first day hand outs, or school supply lists.

No first day of school.

Just typing it out brings tears to my eyes. Happy tears. Ecstatic tears. Tears of joy. Tears of thanksgiving.

Tomorrow starts the first day of my new job. The job that I have dreamed of since I was young. The job that I wondered for 7 years if I would ever get to do. And then prayed for since the day I found out I was pregnant to be able to do. The job that we have saved for, prayed for, budgeted for, worried about, talked about, wondered about, and hoped and dream about.

I am finally going to be a Stay At Home Mom!

And while I've pretty much been doing this job all summer, tomorrow will seem all the more real that it is actually happening. Everyone else will be going off to school and I will be home with my three loves!

 I can't even describe how excited I am to see this dream come to fruition. I feel super blessed and fortunate to have spent the last three years working part-time and getting to spend my mornings with my kiddos. But nothing beats not having to leave the house and go to work five days a week. Nothing.

The past two weeks have been a little "taste" of what our lives will be like with Daddy at work and us three at home. I will say "dream" job is NOT at all easy. Staying home with three kids age three and under is by far the HARDEST job I've ever done! I've questioned my decision at least daily, wondered how in the world I am going to survive, and if this really is what's BEST for my kiddos. Are we really going to be able to survive on one income? What if something comes up? What if there's a medical emergency? What if? What if? What if?

But even with all the doubts and craziness, I know this is exactly what God wants me to be doing. I can already see the difference me being home makes with my kiddos. Adelyn especially is thriving with Mommy home. She's my quirky, full of sass, full of life. She's also the one that struggles the most with baby-sitters, has a hard time with change, and changes her likes and dislikes daily. My sweet sunshine girl is thrilled to have Mommy home. She loves Mommy snuggles, helping Mommy cook, and extra attention. Precious girl. If she is the only benefit to this new situation, then it is TOTALLY worth it.

And part of me is also really loving watching God provide. We took a huge leap of faith when I quit my job, not quite knowing how we were going to make ends meet. We talked and prayed and looked at things from every possible angle that we could. And we both felt that God was leading us out into "uncertain" waters where we may not know the answer to every question or scenario that may come up. Which is extremely hard for this crazy control freak!

But....we've already seen God answer our prayers in so many different ways. Why stop trusting him now? Our God is way bigger than any doubt, fear, or worry that Satan can throw my way. Our God created LIFE in this barren body of mine! He is so so good! And He loves us so so much! What a privilege it is to trust in Him with our finances and children, and sit back and watch Him provide. And of course, His ways are always way better than our own!

So tomorrow, instead of getting dressed in teacher clothes, setting up my room, and taking attendance, I will be taking three kiddos to the park, laying them down for naps, and making chocolate chip cookies. I will probably do a few loads of laundry, clean their bathroom, and vacuum the living room. I'm sure it will be a long day. I am already praying for wisdom and guidance, for gentleness and kindness to be present in our home, and for me to love my children with God's love. I am unbelievably blessed to wake up and start my dream job tomorrow! What a mighty God we serve!

"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Psalms 113:9


Friday, March 11, 2016

The 10 BEST Things about YOU!

Many of you know that the day we got married was one of the harder days of my life. My grandmother died an hour before I walked down the aisle. There were tears. Sadness. Trying to put on a strong face and still do the wedding anyways. But it was not exactly what I had pictured when I dreamed of my wedding. But on that day...

I got YOU.

The ceremony was still beautiful. The decorations and clothing looked great. There was dancing. Eating. Smiling. Laughing. But none of that compares to the fact that on that day...

I got YOU.

YOU are the best part of that day. The best part of the memory. The best part of each day after that.

So in honor of our 10 year are the 10 BEST things about you!

1. You are my ROCK. You have been since day one. When our wedding turned upside down, you were the one I wanted. When I fell apart in the years to come, you were the steady one. Through tears, heartaches, loss, and stress. You are constant. You are steady. You are my rock.

2. You make me LAUGH. A lot. In good times and bad. Some of the scariest moments of infertility still make me smile because you were my comic relief. You know how to get a smile out, even when I'm the most mad. You know how to make my days better.


3. You BELIEVE in me. You always have. When I'm unsure of what I'm about to do, you are my biggest supporter. When I wanted to get my masters, you were my biggest fan. When I think I'm doing a terrible job, you are there to pump me up. You make me feel like I am the best...even when I'm not.


4. You PRAY over me. Nightly. Consistently. You pray for me and about me. I've seen you grow in your faith these 10 years and it is amazing. I remember the first time you read scripture at church and how nervous you were. Now you serve as a deacon and teach our bible class. Your spiritual growth and guidance is evident and I appreciate your dedication to serve God and our family.

5. You are the hardest WORKER I know. You never stop working. Whether it's around the house or at your job or helping our next door neighbor. I remember coming to you in tears before Christmas because I didn't think we were gonna have enough money to buy gifts for everyone. You gave me a kiss and told me you would go cut firewood to help. Even in the midst of basketball season when you were exhausted, you still went out to provide. I love that about you.


6. You make me MELT. I still get weak in the knees when you walk in the room. Dressed up in your Sunday best or just in your coaching clothes. You make my heart pitter-patter.

7. You were THERE for me. During the very hardest days of infertility, you were always by my side. You experienced every negative test, every needle stick, every doctor's appointment, every tear. I still remember texting you "Come down to my room, Daddy" and then facing the devastation of the miscarriage to follow. But you were there. You never let me have one minute of sadness without you there. You held me when cried. You were THERE.

8. You ENCOURAGED me to keep going. I was so ready to quit fertility treatments, but you were the one who made us keep going. You knew that it would work. You believed. Hearing Katy say the words "You're pregnant!" is one of my very favorite memory of the two of us. I hit my knees and cried and you started dancing. I made you come down on the floor with me and you prayed through tears of excitement. I was ready to give up, and you believed.

9. You LOVE being a DADDY. Like more than anyone I've ever seen in the whole world. You delight in your children. Enjoy them. Cherish them. Delight in them. I've seen you hold our children and breathe in their hair after long nights away at sports. I see your whole face light up when they walk in the room. I've seen tears in your eyes when they cry. I hear them call out for Daddy or ask for you constantly because the love you share is so special. You adore them. And they adore you. And it makes me love you more.

10. You are still my FAVORITE. At the end of the day, you are the one I want. When days are good, I want to tell you. When days are hard, I want to cry to you. You're still my favorite person to talk to. You're the one I want to share secrets with. You're the one I want to spend all my days with. All my life with. Every UP and every down. The good with the bad. You're the one I want by my side.

"I have the one whom my soul loves." Song of Solomon 3:4