Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Where my trust is without borders...

I've had it on my heart for many years to stay at home with my children. It's really all I ever wanted to do. When it took so long to get pregnant, I wondered if I would ever see that day come to fruition. I wanted something so bad...yearned for it so much...prayed for it and still it felt so out of reach.

After the twins were born, I quit teaching. Turned in my resignation and decided to stay home. Then a couple of weeks before school started in August, my principal called me and asked if I would be interested in teaching part-time. It was what I had been asking for the previous two years and I didn't think was going to happen. I saw it as a sign that God was providing for us with that job and accepted. I was able to teach part-time for the past three years, and even though my heart longed to be at home more with my children, I really felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.

Last year, however, my heart really changed. I hated leaving my kids. I hated shuffling them around with sitters and school. My job wasn't working out well for me or my children. It was just hard. By this time, Colson was in the mix and the thought of letting go of a steady income, complete with benefits and retirement seemed unimaginable. At least, to my worldly brain.

How in the world did I forget that we serve a God who is the KING of the world??? I have to remind myself over and over again that our God is so so so much bigger than my concerns about money and insurance and how I was going to make ends meet. He can literally speak life into being. Time after time, He has proven himself to make such better plans for my own life than I could ever even imagine.

Look at Tucker and Adelyn. My earthly brain said I didn't want to do in-vitro, yet God had a bigger plan. Look at Colson. When I tried to take matters into my own hands and implant our frozen embryos, God already had Colson knit together in my womb.

WHY do I DOUBT???? Why do I think that I know so much better than God? Why do I worry and anguish and cry and wonder how in the world it's all going to work out when our God already has the details falling into place in his own perfect time. Even when I KNOW deep down that God will take care of things...I still doubt. Over and over again.

When I considered quitting my job, Derek and I went back and forth over and over again. I had been praying over the decision since September (yes when school had just started) and I finally decided to do it in February. Moving forward, we didn't have a clear idea of how we would make it work, we just decided to go for it. Opportunities arose for more income, but we decided to stay put and trust that somehow it all would work. We didn't know how, but we believed it was best.

Fast forward to today....

I am literally basking in the joy of staying home with my children. For the first time in my life, I am 100% happy with my job and choice. I get to spend the majority of my time each week with my children. I get to be the one they wake up to, that fixes their lunch, takes them to school, and puts them down for nap. I LOVE being home with them more than anything I've ever done. My heart is experiencing a peace that I have never felt before.

And financially? God is so so good. It's almost funny to watch how amazingly He has provided for us. All of the little details of our lives are worked out with so intricately. It's amazing. We haven't wanted for anything. We haven't needed anything. I have two amazing part-time jobs that provide for all of our extras. The few hours that I have to leave and work, the kids get to spend at Grammy's house or school. It's the best scenario for everyone.

Why do we forget to trust??? It happens so easily. My life is full of evidence of a God that provides in every situation. Yet still I doubt. Still I wonder. Still I cry out. How did I forget that you've always been the King of the World?

I'm so thankful that we serve a God that does not depend on our FAITH to be God. A God who is bigger than our disbelief, bigger than our doubt, big enough to still continue to take care of us even when we forget.

And how I long to remember this when the doubts creep in again. When I've already started worrying about implanting frozen embryos and how many will take. When I lay awake at night praying to God about things I can control.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Not getting ready for the first day of school...

For the first time in 27 years, I am not preparing for the first day of school. No laying out clothes. No packing a lunch. No setting up a classroom. No lesson plans, syllabi, first day hand outs, or school supply lists.

No first day of school.

Just typing it out brings tears to my eyes. Happy tears. Ecstatic tears. Tears of joy. Tears of thanksgiving.

Tomorrow starts the first day of my new job. The job that I have dreamed of since I was young. The job that I wondered for 7 years if I would ever get to do. And then prayed for since the day I found out I was pregnant to be able to do. The job that we have saved for, prayed for, budgeted for, worried about, talked about, wondered about, and hoped and dream about.

I am finally going to be a Stay At Home Mom!

And while I've pretty much been doing this job all summer, tomorrow will seem all the more real that it is actually happening. Everyone else will be going off to school and I will be home with my three loves!

 I can't even describe how excited I am to see this dream come to fruition. I feel super blessed and fortunate to have spent the last three years working part-time and getting to spend my mornings with my kiddos. But nothing beats not having to leave the house and go to work five days a week. Nothing.

The past two weeks have been a little "taste" of what our lives will be like with Daddy at work and us three at home. I will say "dream" job is NOT at all easy. Staying home with three kids age three and under is by far the HARDEST job I've ever done! I've questioned my decision at least daily, wondered how in the world I am going to survive, and if this really is what's BEST for my kiddos. Are we really going to be able to survive on one income? What if something comes up? What if there's a medical emergency? What if? What if? What if?

But even with all the doubts and craziness, I know this is exactly what God wants me to be doing. I can already see the difference me being home makes with my kiddos. Adelyn especially is thriving with Mommy home. She's my quirky, full of sass, full of life. She's also the one that struggles the most with baby-sitters, has a hard time with change, and changes her likes and dislikes daily. My sweet sunshine girl is thrilled to have Mommy home. She loves Mommy snuggles, helping Mommy cook, and extra attention. Precious girl. If she is the only benefit to this new situation, then it is TOTALLY worth it.

And part of me is also really loving watching God provide. We took a huge leap of faith when I quit my job, not quite knowing how we were going to make ends meet. We talked and prayed and looked at things from every possible angle that we could. And we both felt that God was leading us out into "uncertain" waters where we may not know the answer to every question or scenario that may come up. Which is extremely hard for this crazy control freak!

But....we've already seen God answer our prayers in so many different ways. Why stop trusting him now? Our God is way bigger than any doubt, fear, or worry that Satan can throw my way. Our God created LIFE in this barren body of mine! He is so so good! And He loves us so so much! What a privilege it is to trust in Him with our finances and children, and sit back and watch Him provide. And of course, His ways are always way better than our own!

So tomorrow, instead of getting dressed in teacher clothes, setting up my room, and taking attendance, I will be taking three kiddos to the park, laying them down for naps, and making chocolate chip cookies. I will probably do a few loads of laundry, clean their bathroom, and vacuum the living room. I'm sure it will be a long day. I am already praying for wisdom and guidance, for gentleness and kindness to be present in our home, and for me to love my children with God's love. I am unbelievably blessed to wake up and start my dream job tomorrow! What a mighty God we serve!

"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Psalms 113:9


Friday, March 11, 2016

The 10 BEST Things about YOU!

Many of you know that the day we got married was one of the harder days of my life. My grandmother died an hour before I walked down the aisle. There were tears. Sadness. Trying to put on a strong face and still do the wedding anyways. But it was not exactly what I had pictured when I dreamed of my wedding. But on that day...

I got YOU.

The ceremony was still beautiful. The decorations and clothing looked great. There was dancing. Eating. Smiling. Laughing. But none of that compares to the fact that on that day...

I got YOU.

YOU are the best part of that day. The best part of the memory. The best part of each day after that.

So in honor of our 10 year are the 10 BEST things about you!

1. You are my ROCK. You have been since day one. When our wedding turned upside down, you were the one I wanted. When I fell apart in the years to come, you were the steady one. Through tears, heartaches, loss, and stress. You are constant. You are steady. You are my rock.

2. You make me LAUGH. A lot. In good times and bad. Some of the scariest moments of infertility still make me smile because you were my comic relief. You know how to get a smile out, even when I'm the most mad. You know how to make my days better.


3. You BELIEVE in me. You always have. When I'm unsure of what I'm about to do, you are my biggest supporter. When I wanted to get my masters, you were my biggest fan. When I think I'm doing a terrible job, you are there to pump me up. You make me feel like I am the best...even when I'm not.


4. You PRAY over me. Nightly. Consistently. You pray for me and about me. I've seen you grow in your faith these 10 years and it is amazing. I remember the first time you read scripture at church and how nervous you were. Now you serve as a deacon and teach our bible class. Your spiritual growth and guidance is evident and I appreciate your dedication to serve God and our family.

5. You are the hardest WORKER I know. You never stop working. Whether it's around the house or at your job or helping our next door neighbor. I remember coming to you in tears before Christmas because I didn't think we were gonna have enough money to buy gifts for everyone. You gave me a kiss and told me you would go cut firewood to help. Even in the midst of basketball season when you were exhausted, you still went out to provide. I love that about you.


6. You make me MELT. I still get weak in the knees when you walk in the room. Dressed up in your Sunday best or just in your coaching clothes. You make my heart pitter-patter.

7. You were THERE for me. During the very hardest days of infertility, you were always by my side. You experienced every negative test, every needle stick, every doctor's appointment, every tear. I still remember texting you "Come down to my room, Daddy" and then facing the devastation of the miscarriage to follow. But you were there. You never let me have one minute of sadness without you there. You held me when cried. You were THERE.

8. You ENCOURAGED me to keep going. I was so ready to quit fertility treatments, but you were the one who made us keep going. You knew that it would work. You believed. Hearing Katy say the words "You're pregnant!" is one of my very favorite memory of the two of us. I hit my knees and cried and you started dancing. I made you come down on the floor with me and you prayed through tears of excitement. I was ready to give up, and you believed.

9. You LOVE being a DADDY. Like more than anyone I've ever seen in the whole world. You delight in your children. Enjoy them. Cherish them. Delight in them. I've seen you hold our children and breathe in their hair after long nights away at sports. I see your whole face light up when they walk in the room. I've seen tears in your eyes when they cry. I hear them call out for Daddy or ask for you constantly because the love you share is so special. You adore them. And they adore you. And it makes me love you more.

10. You are still my FAVORITE. At the end of the day, you are the one I want. When days are good, I want to tell you. When days are hard, I want to cry to you. You're still my favorite person to talk to. You're the one I want to share secrets with. You're the one I want to spend all my days with. All my life with. Every UP and every down. The good with the bad. You're the one I want by my side.

"I have the one whom my soul loves." Song of Solomon 3:4

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Happy Birthday Colson Lukey!

Yesterday was Colson's birthday. My baby is now ONE! He is seriously the cutest thing in the entire world and he makes our lives SO SO happy. What an amazing, unexpected blessing our little Lukey is!

For some reason, Colson's birthday was not near as hard on me as the twins turning three. Maybe it's because I have felt like he was one for awhile now. The boy started walking at 9 months!!! And I still feel like he's my baby even though he's one year old.

Colson has seriously been PURE JOY in our worlds! He is a MESS! All the time. His smile melts everyone around him. His eyes are ELECTRIC BLUE. His laugh is contagious. He is literally into anything and everything. He rarely wants to be held because he can't stop moving long enough. But cuddles with him in the middle of the night are kinda the best thing ever.

Every time I look at him, I thank God for having such a BETTER plan for us than we could ever imagine. For stepping in and intervening when we were making our own plans. For knowing that we needed our little Colson Lukey to make our family complete. For making sure that he arrived in his own time and in his own way with his own personality.

OH how I love this boy. I thought about the day he was born yesterday and all the wonder and excitement that it held. I wrote about it last year here. Some of my very favorite memories of that day are:

- Spending quality time with Adelyn in the wee hours of the morning before everyone else woke up

- Hearing Derek tell me "Baby, it's a BOY!!!" And then saying over and over "It's Colson, it's Colson"

-Hearing Colson cry over and over again until they laid him on my chest.

-The hour that I got to spend with Colson and Derek in recovery before we got moved to our room

-Everyone going crazy over Colson's hair

-Getting to hug and hold all three of my babies in one day for the first time

And then bringing him home and Adelyn having the stomach bug. Trying to figure out how to survive without being able to pick up the twins. Letting Colson sleep in our room for TWO whole weeks...which we never did with the twins. Never being able to put Colson on the floor because the twins would lay on top of him. Wondering if we would ever get back to "normal" and then realizing normal was something completely different each day.

What a year it's been. Three kids under three is NO JOKE! This has been the most physically-demanding and exhausting year that I have ever experienced. I have slept less, moved more, done more laundry, cooking, changing diapers/pull-ups, potty training, car-seat buckling, stroller hauling, grocery shopping, tear wiping, hugging, holding, and rocking then I ever imagined possible. Just getting in and out of the car for an errand is a workout. Throw in basketball season and trying to juggle three kids in the stands, eating out in restaurants, putting on pajamas, going to school, working, and everything else. It's been a YEAR!

But OH MY GOODNESS has it been a good one. Full of JOY! Full of LAUGHTER! HUGS. KISSES. UGGA-MUGGAS. Watching the twins fall in love with Colson. Learning all of the wonderful parts of his personality. Seeing who he takes after. Seeing who he likes. What food he likes. His first word "uh-oh" or his first steps. I am so so thankful for this blue-eyed boy and the JOY that he has brought to our family. I am so thankful for my crazy little twinkies and the energy they bring.

So...Happy Birthday my Colson Lukey! You are the most unexpected, wonderful surprise that we ever did have. Your blue eyes melt me. Your smile delights me. Your kisses are sweeter than cotton candy. You are our Captain Destructo, our Super Baby, the apple of our eye. We love you BIG baby boy. And we are so thankful that God decided we need you too!

"For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving" 1 Timothy 4:4

Monday, March 7, 2016


My babies turned three yesterday. THREE. YEARS. OLD!!!! I still can't believe that they can possibly be that big. That it's been three years since I first saw their sweet faces. First kissed their sweet cheeks. First held them in my arms. First became a mama.


To say I had a little bit of trouble yesterday was an understatement!

Last year I was just concentrating so hard on not having a baby on their birthday that somehow I don't think I really stopped and reflected on their birthday. But this year, I stopped and took it all in.

They are THREE!!! And they are AMAZING!!!

I don't want to forget that simple fact. That three years ago yesterday, God moved mountains. That the day of their birth is the day I got to witness THOUSANDS of prayers being answered. That the day they were born angels rejoiced. Heaven opened up. My babies were placed in my arms.

Yesterday in bible class we started a series on the Ten Commandments. We talked about how they started by God reminding his people that He was their God, the one who brought them out of Egypt. And that even though we were not enslaved in Egypt, that perhaps we all had our own Egypt that we were enslaved in. That God brought us out of. That He saved us from.

Infertility was my Egypt. I praise God that it was only seven years and not 40. But it was my Egypt.

And March 6, 2013 is the day He brought me out.

Yesterday, I just kept saying over and over...they are THREE! Three years of blessings. Of laughter. Of hugs and love. Of discovering each little quirk. Learning how they sleep. What they like to eat. Their first steps, their first words, their first time going potty. I've memorized their faces. Watched them as they sleep. Kissed every boo-boo. Heard every fear. Every little thing that makes them who they are.

And they are AMAZING!

I know every parent feels that way, but seriously I could not be more in love with these two (and Colson too!) They are the funniest, smartest, cutest, most delightful children in the entire world.

And they are THREE!!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow! Thank you God for granting us the desires of our hearts! Thank you for my babies!!!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17