Family

Family

Thursday, November 20, 2014

God gave me two...

I have had this blog in my head for awhile. I usually have several blogs in my head for awhile. Sometimes it just takes time to get them out. And time is a precious commodity these days!

For a long time, the first year, I wondered why God gave me two babies. I prayed and prayed for a baby to love. I even remember being in tears to Derek when I was pregnant with the twins and wondering how on earth I was going to handle two babies! I told him that none of this had been the way that I had dreamed of having kids. I didn't want to have in-vitro. I didn't want to have a c-section. I was scared that I could never loved two babies enough or give them enough time or attention or affection as I could one baby. Looking back to those days, make me laugh at the things I worried about. I am SO THANKFUL that God didn't carry out MY plans for my life. Instead of granting my limited desires...he gave me two!

Two babies to make me laugh, dance, and sing
Two babies to rock, cuddle, snuggle, and nurse
Two babies that put me on my knees, time after time again
Two sweet babies who call me "Mama"
Two babies who light up my entire world with a single hug or kiss
Two babies who need me in two completely different ways
Two babies to bathe, feed, clothe, and diaper
Two babies whose smiles melt every tear and frustration away

Without a doubt, one of the BEST things God ever did was give me TWO!!! Along the way, I have seen the evidence of God's handiwork in this decision. I was in a DARK place before we decided to do in-vitro. I had been hurting for a long, long time. Crying out in frustration. Seeing so many go before me into motherhood. Crying out in anguish for my turn and my time. And God healed me. And changed me. In so many different ways. There is no way to know for sure what God actually was doing in my life. But here are a few things I think God was doing in my life when he gave me two...

God gave me two to show me that He was in control.
Apparently I need lots of reminders in this area! After six years of waiting and wanting, God still wanted me to know that He was in control of my life. Control is an area that I struggle with CONSTANTLY! Those who know me know I like to be in control. I like to be the boss. I like to be in charge. For the most part, I think I'm pretty good at it (ha!) but that doesn't mean that I am God. God is God. He is supreme. He is in charge of our lives. And He is WAY better than we could ever hope or imagine to be!!! And once again...15 months after having the twins...He had to show me that He was still in control with this surprise pregnancy! I was off doing my own thing, planning my life away in my timing and doing things my way and BAM! God decided I needed a little wake-up call on who is in control. And I am SO THANKFUL that He is!

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts."       Isaiah 55:8-9

God gave me two so that I would depend on Him
As much as I like to be in control, I am also fiercely independent (just ask Derek and Mom)! When I was little, I would always say "I can do it myself!" And I could...most of the time. I'm good at handling things...most of the time. I can juggle school, work, grad school, husband, family, sports, friends...all of these things pretty much on my own. I used to be proud of how well I handled things. Who needs to ask for help when you can do it all yourself????

And then I had twins...

And life as I knew it was upside down. I couldn't do it all. I couldn't even begin to do it all. I felt inadequate. Exhausted. Fearful. Spent. Unable to lift my head. Unable to meet the needs of those around me. Unable to make it through one more late night feeding. I couldn't do it myself. I couldn't take care of myself. I needed God in such a way that I had never needed him before. I depended on Him to be lifter of my head. I depended on Him to find joy in the hard times. I depended on Him to direct my steps and my path. I turned over so many areas of my life that I had been holding on to for so long.

At the end of the day...just give me Jesus. That is my prayer. In the morning, in the evening, at any time. Just give me Jesus.

"In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears."   2 Samuel 22:7

God gave me two so that I would need others.
This one goes right along with the one before, but I really believe that God wanted me to need help. To cry out for help. To ask Him for help. And to depend on Him. But I also think that God wanted me to need others. To not be able to do things on my own so that I would others could bless me and my babies. So that I would be vulnerable and seek help and guidance. So that I would not struggle through this alone or live in isolation. Sometimes it is a beautiful thing to NOT be able to do something on your own. How much sweeter is my life now that I have allowed others to help and be a part of our family and my life. There are so many that brought us meals, held my babies, cleaned my house, helped me get out of the car, went to basketball games with me, hold my babies at church, teach my children at church, bring them surprises, LOVE them, love me, bless me. I can't even begin to list all the ways our family has been blessed simply because twins were too hard for me to handle on my own!!! Sweet  men from the church coming and helping me out of the car. Sweet ladies coming and rocking babies so that I could nap. Friends at bible study changing diapers and feeding bibles so that I could eat or follow along. We are NOT meant to do this journey alone. We are meant to be in community. And what a blessing a God-filled community is.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."   Hebrews 10:24-25

God gave me two so that I would not be selfish.
I want to be very careful how I word this area and preface it with saying that this is ENTIRELY based on my experience and my heart. But in saying that...I think I would have been really selfish if I had only had one baby. I think I would have struggled to share. After waiting 6 years for a baby of my own...I think I would have held on to that baby so tight that I would not have wanted to let others hold it...maybe even Derek! We joked for a long time that God gave us two babies so that we wouldn't fight over one. I think that may be part of it! I am thankful that God gave me two so that I was able to share quite freely, without ever feeling pangs or selfishness. Perhaps this is an area of my life that God was molding and working on.

And of course, as all moms know, having babies quickly makes your realize that you are not the center of the universe. All of a sudden there are two tiny little beings who need you to put yourself aside in order to meet their needs. It is humbling. It is amazing. But it quickly makes you realize that selfishness has no place in this world. I am thankful that God blessed me with two babies to make me put myself aside. And oh goodness will this lesson be ever more present when there are three little ones vying for my attention!

"Her neighbors and relatives heard that the Lord had shown her great mercy, and they shared her joy." Luke 1:58

I'm sure there are plenty other lessons that I've learned in the past 20 months. Whatever the reasons, whatever the intent, God blessed my life so tremendously when He gave me two. I honestly can't what my life would be like if I only had one! I think it may be a little boring...ha! But thankfully God gave me the best two blessings I could ever ask for!

He gave me a Tucker Bear that...

has loved his mama since day one!
who gives rough kisses and big hugs!
who is ALL boy ALL the time!
who loves to play outside and get dirty!
who is LOUD and vocal!
who is tender towards his sister and likes to pat her back when she cries!
who gets so sad when he gets in trouble and will say "so sorry"
who loves his daddy and loves to wrestle.
who makes me so proud to be his mom!

And he gave me an Ady girl that...
has become a Mama's girl in the past few months!
whose smile can literally light up an entire room!
who is just plain GOOFY most of the time...such a silly girl!
who prances around with her sassy little walk and runs on her tip-toes!
who is independent already...if she could say "I do it myself" she would!
who loves to cook, cuddle, and snuggle.

who likes things in order...like her mama!
who has a sassy streak...also like her mama!

who is my sunshine girl...she fills me with SO MUCH love and joy!

My heart is full with love for these two. My life is so full of JOY! Even on the hardest days, they are the best blessings that I could ever imagine. Praise our God whose plans are SO MUCH bigger and better than our own! And praise God for our little surprise that is on the way!!! What an awesome God we serve!

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