That's the answer I've been giving people when they ask me how I'm doing. I don't really know how to respond. So most the time, I usually say...I'm ok. Instead of saying...
I'm not good.
I'm not fine.
I'm just sad.
And I miss my babies.
I miss those sweet snow babies more than I ever even knew possible. It's hard to put into words how I can miss someone I've never seen, never held, never even named. But I miss the thought of them. The hope that existed before August 22nd. The dreams and the future that always involved them being here with us. And knowing that every future I've envisioned for the past five years involves them being here with us. I miss my babies.
And it's hard.
In-vitro is hard. It's an extremely complicated roller-coaster of emotion that can end in the most amazing way, or in the most disappointing. It's full of hormones and shots and doctor's appointments all leading up to this moment where you get the best of news, or the worst. And you never really know what the end result is going to be until you do it. We have a best case scenario...and now a worst. And trying to "come out" of the haze of emotion and hormones has been challenging, to say the least.
I used to think I was going to be upset by the wasted money or all of those terrible shots. Even going through the process this time, I kept thinking "I can't imagine someone doing all of this and it not working." Or spending so much money, and coming out empty handed. But honestly, that has bothered me very little. I miss my babies more than I miss the money. I just wish they were still here inside me. Those dreaded shots I had to take every night, I would give anything to still be doing them. Because it would mean that there was still hope. Still a future with my snow babies in it.
Then there's the flip side... I have three beautiful babies at home. And I know more than anything that I am so extremely blessed. And the truth is, they have made this process easier. They don't take away the pain of losing our pregnancy, but they bring me joy each and every day. Being their mom is the best thing I am. And I love it. They love me even when I'm sad, and they help me on the days that are the hardest.
But being a mom to three littles, doesn't change the ache of our failed in-vitro. If anything, it makes it harder. Because I know how amazing each of my children are. And knowing that, made me want these snow babies even more. I remember being THROUGH THE MOON when I found out about Colson. Not just because we were shocked we were pregnant. But because I was going to have another child to love. Tucker and Adelyn were basically the most AMAZING things I had ever laid eyes on. Getting to learn their personalities, getting to watch them change and grow was my favorite thing in the world. And finding out I was going to have another child made my heart so excited. I was excited about that in this round of in-vitro. And the reality of not getting to know those snow-babies the way I know my other 3 is hard to accept.
It's just hard.
And I'm still sad.
Days will go by and things will get easier. I know that. Having experienced a miscarriage, I (hope) there is a day that I can look back and say "Now I understand what why that had to happen." I think about my own miscarriage and know that if that pregnancy had worked out, I never would have done IVF and never would have had Tucker and Adelyn. I don't know why, but that pregnancy was not part of God's plan for us. But Tucker and Adelyn were. And I am beyond thankful for that.
But when you are standing in the middle of the "wilderness" or pain, it's hard to see or even understand the why. I simply have to trust that the God who created the heavens and the earth, the God that parted the Red Sea, the God who conquered death and reigns on high has a plan for my life. And right now, I may not understand that, but my trust is in the one who does.
I have no idea if this makes any sense or even why I feel the need to write this. I don't need sympathy...most people know I'm not the touchy-feely type. But when I started writing this blog, I promised to be honest on here. And that whatever came from this blog would be to the glory of God. It would be a whole lot easier to be one here posting about our successful in-vitro, sharing pictures of a growing baby bump, keeping everyone in the loop about a healthy pregnancy. But this is part of journey too. The hard, messy part. And maybe, just maybe...God has a plan for this part too.
When I first started the blog, I really didn't intend for it to be a way to connect with others who were going through IVF. I really just wanted it to be a way to communicate our process with friends and family and to ask for prayers. But God was able to use a very difficult process in our life and use it for his glory. So in all things, my prayer is that His power be evident through our weakness. In good times, and in bad. He is still my God, even when the answer is no.
"I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2