Yesterday was...

...a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

The answer was no.

And I am sad.

I've thought about how I would write a blog like this for a very long time. I worried about it in 2012. What would I say? How could I come here and tell people the answer was no? How can I give glory to God when He didn't do what we asked him to do? I can honestly say, I'm thankful that I did not have to write this blog in 2012, but that doesn't make it all that much easier in 2017.

One of the hardest things about hearing the results yesterday was that we have "known" these embryos since they were made in 2012. They have been a part of our thoughts. Our dreams. Our prayers. Our plans. We have prepared for this for a long time. We've talked about them constantly. And never in the past 5 years did we ever think the outcome would be this. We just "knew" that God had made these embryos for a purpose. To make our family complete. To bless us with another child or children. And coming to grips with a future that is different from what we have thought for 5 years is hard right now. It's confusing. It hurts.

The "Why?" is there. God, WHY??? If these embryos weren't going to make it then WHY did you let them freeze? Why not let them just stop growing in 2012? Or not make it through the thawing process? Why did we have to go through so much to gain so little? So much time, worry, money, a surgery, IVF, leaving our kids, shots, pills....the list goes on and on. God couldn't you have saved us a WHOLE lot of pain and suffering and just NOT let these embryos make it?

GOD, I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

And unfortunately...I don't know if I will. It's HARD to understand the WHY and the PAIN when you're in it. There MAY be a day in the future that I can look back and point to this moment and say "Hey...I can see what God was doing there." But for now, I'll be real honest...I just don't understand. And you know what...it's ok. God's big enough to handle my frustration. He can handle my sadness. He can take my anger. He knows I'm hurting, and through it all, I know He's still there. Just like I said before...God is still good...even when the answer is no. I may be frustrated...but I do trust that His plan is better than my own. Even when I can't see or understand.

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

But it ended, with me being surrounded by my loves. I can't tell you how much it meant to come home from work and have four little arms wrapped around my neck. (Colson was too busy trying to figure out how an iPhone charger worked) The twins wrapped me in love, brought me tinker toy flowers, blankets, and told me "I was the best Mommy ever." Even in the sadness, I can't deny for a second that I am the most BLESSED mommy on the planet. God has blessed us beyond belief with the three most beautiful babies I have ever seen. And even though our road to them was long and full of no good, very bad days, the days after becoming their mommy have been the very best of my life. I do not for a second take for granted what a blessing they are and really can't fathom how much harder yesterday would have been without those three in my life. My heart aches for all of those who have to experience failed IVF and are still waiting to become Mommies. Truly aches.

I can also attest, that there is a rawness in putting myself out there like I have through this blog. I knew when I started that this was a possibility. I knew that one day I may have to come and blog about a no good, very bad day. And it's hard. But I can honestly say, I wouldn't take it back just to make this process easier. As hard as yesterday was, I was surrounded by people who loved me. Even if I couldn't talk to them because I had to hold it together to make it through work. I had dozens of people checking on me. Commenting. Sending messages. Phone calls. Dinner was at my door within the hour. It would have been easy to feel like God didn't love me yesterday, but he made sure that I knew I was loved. So thank you.

So for now...I am sad. We are sad. It's going to take some time to figure out what this looks like for us. All of the ideas and plans we had for this year revolved around me being pregnant. And that "picture" I had in my head will have to change. It hurts. It's still raw. And I know it will for awhile. It's going to take some time to say goodbye to these sweet little snowflake babies that we have loved for the past five years. I don't know when or how to do that...but I know it will take some time.

Thank you all for loving us through this. Thank you for the prayers. Even though the answer was no, I don't for one second believe that it is because your prayers weren't heard. We believe that God's plan is better than our own. So for now, we hold tight to that promise and wait to see what He has in store for us.

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18