Reflecting on the journey...

It's hard to believe that as I sit here and type this that I will be holding my sweet babies at the this time tomorrow. God is so good and so faithful that I am still in AWE that we are at this point. There are barely words to describe all the emotions that have been going through my head and heart this last week. It still feels a little unreal to think that we are less than 24 hours away from meeting our precious babies! I am so EXCITED and so READY to see their sweet faces! But I have also felt very humbled this last week, thinking about this process. In some ways, it is easy to forget all of the pain and struggles we had to make it to this point. I still find it hard to believe that I somehow gave myself all those shots and let Derek give me even more! Yet, God has been so faithful and so steadfast throughout this entire journey. So I thought for this last blog before the babies come, I would look back on some of the lessons that I learned along the way. My prayer has always been that God be glorified through this process and I hope that maybe something I share today can help touch those of you who may be struggling with their own battles. Whether it be infertility, or something else, God may be using your storm to reach you in ways that you have not even imagined.

One last belly shot! This was before church on Sunday

Lesson #1- You don't get to pick your storm

I used to be so frustrated and so upset wondering why things happened to me. Why did my grandma have to die on my wedding day? Why did I have to struggle with my weight so much when all my friends were skinny? And most importantly, why was I the one chosen to have infertility? ME!!! The one who has ALWAYS loved babies...the one who started baby-sitting at 12 and volunteered to change diapers in the church nursery. Why was this my storm???? Couldn't I have another struggle or pain to go through? It seemed like all of the bad stuff piled up on top of me and I spent a good bit of my time crying out WHY!!!! Somehow, I had decided that life was suppose to be fair. That I was suppose to have babies because I wanted them. That I was suppose to be skinny without doing any work. That everything in this world was suppose to work out because I was a good person. Ummm....what????? God does not promise us a struggle-free life! Quite the contrary!

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Ding ding ding...we are going to have trouble...we are going to struggle...this world is NOT our home and is fallen! And unfortunately...we do NOT get to pick which type of trouble we are going to have!!! It is so easy to fall into this "woe is me" trap and wish that we could change the type of struggles we encounter. But that is not how this life works! And that is not what God has planned for us!

For some reason, God chose to use this battle of infertility to reach my heart. I would never have chosen this path...but I am so thankful that God knew what I needed so much more than I did. God needed me to learn to TRUST Him...to give UP control...to depend so DEEPLY on Him that I was broken. I had to be broken through infertility to allow God to fill me up completely with His love and desire. God wanted me to have children from the very beginning! He had Tucker and Adelyn planned for us from the start. But He also wanted my heart...more than anything. Through the pain of this struggle, He has shown what AMAZING plans He has for me...far more than I could have ever imagined. And tomorrow we get to meet those precious blessings face to face...How Great is Our God???

***I still think He could have made me skinny during all those years that I wasn't pregnant, but oh well...haha!***

Lesson #2- Just the TWO of us- strengthening our marriage

I really struggled on how to word this part correctly. I believe that God had a special plan for our family and the way He chose to create it. I believe there is something very special about the fact that Derek and I had seven years of marriage just the two of us. Once again...this is not at all what I had planned out or what I wanted. Yet, I believe God was working on my heart throughout this process to open my eyes to His plan for my life.

One of the main reasons I knew Derek was the one for me was because of his love for children. I knew almost immediately that he was going to be a good dad. And because I wanted children so much, I knew that he would be a great partner. When we got married, it seemed natural for us to start trying right away, because we both wanted children and figured why wait? Unfortunately, the first few years of marriage were really hard for me. Losing my grandma on my wedding day was a really difficult way to start a marriage and I struggled with depression and weight gain for awhile. This, coupled with the trying to have a baby, made our first few years hard. I know that I was not being the wife that God called me to be and I knew that God wanted more out of me and our marriage.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." Genesis 2:24

Things started looking up for us around year 3 of marriage. I began to get my depression and weight under control and Derek and I really started working together to strengthen our marriage (which ironically is when we stopped working together at GC...haha). While we were stronger together, we began to focus a lot of our infertility...on what the next step would be, what the doctor would say, what pill or procedure we would try next, what would happen if that didn't work, etc. We were united in our goals and began to lean on each other in ways that we didn't know possible. We were each other's rock and support...Derek lifted me up when I didn't think I could continue this journey and we sought comfort in each other. Our marriage became stronger through our pain, yet still I think God had greater plans for us.

While He wanted us to lean on each other during hard times, I think He also wanted us to enjoy the time He was blessing us with for just the two of us. It took us awhile to figure that out, but thankfully we were able to spend our last year and a half before we did in-vitro just enjoying our time together. No doctors, no needles, no disappointment...just enjoying our gift of marriage. We learned to work together on our getting our finances in order and were able to go on a fabulous trip to Jamaica. I was able to support Derek during his first year as a head coach by going to every game and cooking game-day breakfast for him. We learned to pray together...really pray together and pray over each other in a way that I had only dreamed of. I saw our marriage strengthen, but also saw our relationships grow in God, both together and apart. God used this time of disappointment in our life to help grow our marriage relationship, which I think will just help us be better parents in the days and years to come.

Looking back, I wish I would have enjoyed the every minute of the last seven years with this precious man that God gave to me. I wish I would have have been the wife that he deserved every day and left the baby planning and worry to God. I spent so much time and energy trying to make these babies my own way and forgot to trust that God would lead the way. Derek and I became a family the day we said I do. And the two of us are still a family today. While I think Tucker and Adelyn are going to bless and enrich our family greatly, I do not for one second think that Derek and I were incomplete these seven years without them. God GAVE us seven years together that not many people have. And together, we have learned and grown from them...stronger and more together than we ever would have been without this journey. Derek is truly a gift from God and there is NO WAY I would have been able to keep going without his encouragement and love. I am beyond thrilled that tomorrow I will finally get to see him become a daddy and hold our babies in his arms. It is the moment I have wanted to give him since I first said "I do" and I am SO excited to be going through this with my love!



Lesson #3 Prayer and God's Family
 
Growing up in the church, I always knew that it was important to pray. I learned to pray at a very early age and grew up hearing prayers at every meal. I saw my parents pray, have prayed in front of groups of people, and knew that prayer was important. BUT somewhere along the way...I stopped feeling the need to pray. I knew that God knew my heart. I knew that He could hear the words that I didn't want to say. So I stopped feeling the need to pray. Part of it I think was because I couldn't handle the fact that God was saying no. It hurt too bad to pray with all my heart for a baby and be told no over and over again. So I quit praying....quit seeking...quit hearing His voice...I decided that I would be the one that would make this baby thing happen and then when it did, I could thank God for what He had done.

Obviously my plan did not go so well. God desired so much for me to turn to Him, run to Him, need Him, trust Him. God not only wanted my prayers, but wanted me to trust Him enough to share my struggles with others. Up until that I point I had kept most of my struggle inside...sharing with my husband, family, and a few close friends. But Loann (smart woman that she is) made me realize how Satan was using my secrecy against me. What are we here for if not to love each other, build each other up, pray for each other, and encourage each other??? Through my embarrassment and shame I was limiting God's power in my life...and God's power is made PERFECT in our weakness. This idea opened my life up to prayer in a way that I have never experienced it before.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

One of the first things Derek and I did was to start praying together. Every night. Without fail. We prayed for each other, we prayed for our precious babies, we prayed for others, we prayed for every step of the process. This simple act led us to praying together more often...in the mornings, before doctors appointments, before games, after games, when things were sad, when things were glad, at all times! How amazing it was to hear my husband lift me up in prayer on a daily basis and to thank God for me repeatedly. Not only did this strengthen our marriage, but it also helped stregthen our walk.

The other way we have seen prayer work THROUGOUT this journey is through the prayers of so many of our friends and family. I grew up in an amazing church family that we are priviledged enough to still be a part of. But God's family extends SO far beyond just our tiny church walls. So many of you have partnered with us in prayer since the very beginning and we are SO THANKFUL that God has blessed us with such an amazing family. We are so honored to know that Tucker and Adelyn have been COVERED in prayer since before they were even created. It also has been such a neat experience to watch the power that exists through God's family. Our lives have been blessed so richly through this process with prayers, thoughts, financial help, SO MANY gifts for these babies, meals for me and Derek, and the list goes on and on. We ask that you continue to pray with us over these two precious children as we seek to raise them according to God's will. Someone at church said it best on Sunday..."We are all just as excited as you guys about meeting the twins!"

Final Thoughts

I know this probably sounds like the biggest rambling blog that I have written...sorry about that! These thoughts have been swirling around in my head as I reflect on everything that has brought us to this moment and I really wanted to share my heart. The number one thing I hope people have gotten out of this blog is how GOOD our God is. How faithful and true He remains. He desires so much for us to completely trust Him with our lives. I hope that when people see Tucker and Adelyn they immediately think of God's goodness and his faithfulness!

The last week has actually been kinda surreal! Once we knew that we had a delivery date, I immediately started thinking about all of the last things we would be doing without kids. Mom and I went on one last Friday lunch and got pedicures. Derek and I had our last Saturday morning to sleep in. We went on our last date night without needing a baby-sitter and worshipped for the last Sunday at church without the twins. I have to admit I kinda struggled with all of these lasts...its hard to believe that this time in our life is coming to a close. I have enjoyed so much spending this time with my sweet husband and getting to enjoy our last few days together.

Last date night!

Last dr. appt before the big day!

But where there are lasts there are also FIRSTS!!! Tomorrow starts a whole new beginning for us and we will begin cherishing all of the precious FIRSTS that will be coming with the birth of these two!!! The first time we hear them cry, the first time we see their face, the first time we hold them in our arms and kiss their sweet faces. We are SO BLESSED to be at this point and I literally cannot wait to see what how amazing God's plan is in action!

Thank you for all of your support and love during this journey! It has been quite the journey!!! We began this step last Spring Break with our consultation in San Antonio and look where the year has brought us! Every doctor's appointment, procedure, blood draw, ultra-sound, shot, patch, pound gained, sleepless night, tear cried, and step we've taken has led us to this point! I will (hopefully) be blogging as soon as the twins allow me to with pictures and updates. We covet your prayers in the morning, especially for our nerves, the doctors and nurses, and the health of our sweet babies! Love to you all!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

We finally get to meet our desires tomorrow!!! Their names are Tucker and Adelyn!!!