I've had it on my heart for many years to stay at home with my children. It's really all I ever wanted to do. When it took so long to get pregnant, I wondered if I would ever see that day come to fruition. I wanted something so bad...yearned for it so much...prayed for it and still it felt so out of reach.
After the twins were born, I quit teaching. Turned in my resignation and decided to stay home. Then a couple of weeks before school started in August, my principal called me and asked if I would be interested in teaching part-time. It was what I had been asking for the previous two years and I didn't think was going to happen. I saw it as a sign that God was providing for us with that job and accepted. I was able to teach part-time for the past three years, and even though my heart longed to be at home more with my children, I really felt like I was doing what God wanted me to do.
Last year, however, my heart really changed. I hated leaving my kids. I hated shuffling them around with sitters and school. My job wasn't working out well for me or my children. It was just hard. By this time, Colson was in the mix and the thought of letting go of a steady income, complete with benefits and retirement seemed unimaginable. At least, to my worldly brain.
How in the world did I forget that we serve a God who is the KING of the world??? I have to remind myself over and over again that our God is so so so much bigger than my concerns about money and insurance and how I was going to make ends meet. He can literally speak life into being. Time after time, He has proven himself to make such better plans for my own life than I could ever even imagine.
Look at Tucker and Adelyn. My earthly brain said I didn't want to do in-vitro, yet God had a bigger plan. Look at Colson. When I tried to take matters into my own hands and implant our frozen embryos, God already had Colson knit together in my womb.
WHY do I DOUBT???? Why do I think that I know so much better than God? Why do I worry and anguish and cry and wonder how in the world it's all going to work out when our God already has the details falling into place in his own perfect time. Even when I KNOW deep down that God will take care of things...I still doubt. Over and over again.
When I considered quitting my job, Derek and I went back and forth over and over again. I had been praying over the decision since September (yes when school had just started) and I finally decided to do it in February. Moving forward, we didn't have a clear idea of how we would make it work, we just decided to go for it. Opportunities arose for more income, but we decided to stay put and trust that somehow it all would work. We didn't know how, but we believed it was best.
Fast forward to today....
I am literally basking in the joy of staying home with my children. For the first time in my life, I am 100% happy with my job and choice. I get to spend the majority of my time each week with my children. I get to be the one they wake up to, that fixes their lunch, takes them to school, and puts them down for nap. I LOVE being home with them more than anything I've ever done. My heart is experiencing a peace that I have never felt before.
And financially? God is so so good. It's almost funny to watch how amazingly He has provided for us. All of the little details of our lives are worked out with so intricately. It's amazing. We haven't wanted for anything. We haven't needed anything. I have two amazing part-time jobs that provide for all of our extras. The few hours that I have to leave and work, the kids get to spend at Grammy's house or school. It's the best scenario for everyone.
Why do we forget to trust??? It happens so easily. My life is full of evidence of a God that provides in every situation. Yet still I doubt. Still I wonder. Still I cry out. How did I forget that you've always been the King of the World?
I'm so thankful that we serve a God that does not depend on our FAITH to be God. A God who is bigger than our disbelief, bigger than our doubt, big enough to still continue to take care of us even when we forget.
And how I long to remember this when the doubts creep in again. When I've already started worrying about implanting frozen embryos and how many will take. When I lay awake at night praying to God about things I can control.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders...