And He will give you the desires of your heart...: The Embryos are In!

Wednesday afternoon, Derek and I loaded up and headed to San Antonio to get ready for our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) on Thursday. We basically decided last minute on Tuesday night to go ahead and go up on Wednesday because I NEEDED to get out of San Angelo. Stress, anxiety, and worry led to me having a MAJOR breakdown (thanks for talking me down, Kristin!) and we decided that a night in a hotel, some shopping, and good food were just the thing we needed to relax! And you know what...it worked! And I have to say, one breakdown is not TOO BAD with the insane amount of hormones and stress I have going on these days. I am super thankful for my husband and the sweet time we spent together Wednesday night, although he was super confused about how a shopping trip to Kohls ended up at Kendra Scott! : )

After a good night's sleep, I woke up Thursday morning to take some medicine and get ready for the transfer. I had an ABUNDANCE of phone calls and text messages telling me they were praying for us. What an amazing feeling to know that so many people are praying for you and your babies! I love our sweet family and friends beyond measure. We stopped at Magnolia Pancake Haus for breakfast (YUM!) and then headed to the clinic. To prepare for the transfer, you have to drink a TON of water starting at 11:00 in order to have a full bladder. A full bladder helps tilt the uterus into position so that the doctor can see to transfer the embryos. When I first got to the clinic, my bladder wasn't quite full enough, so I had to walk around to see if that helped. Then the ultrasound tech came in, checked again, and thankfully it was full. I was ready to go except...

THE DOCTOR WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND!!!

Somehow, one doctor was on vacation (my favorite doctor!!!), another got called to the hospital, and the other was on the phone to Mexico (what the heck?!?!?). Not only was there not a doctor available, but there was another lady waiting IN FRONT of me! So I had to sit and wait with a SUPER FULL bladder for the doctor to get there, transfer the other lady, and then come to my room. I was seriously like "HANG UP MEXICO!! This is URGENT!" Although, honestly, it wasn't too terrible. I'm just a little dramatic (shocking!).

After (painfully) waiting another 30 minutes or so, Dr. Martin came in to do the transfer. THANKFULLY, once the doctor comes in, the transfer only takes about 5 minutes. The embryologist had already come in and said our embryos made it through the thawing process and looked BEAUTIFUL! Once again, I am reminded of what a NEAT process IVF really is. We got to say hi to our embryos, tell them we loved them, and watched the implant them on the screen. The ultrasound tech assured us that they were in a good spot, and then I had to lay on the table for 10 minutes before finally getting to go to the bathroom...HALLELUJAH!!! Our trip home was fairly easy- I laid in the back of the truck and dozed on and off and I am home in a quiet house taking it easy for the next 24-48 hours.

OUR BABIES ARE IN!!!

It's kind of a surreal feeling! Honestly, I feel so much better on this side of things then I did on the days leading up to the procedure. I feel like we are finally able to complete what we set out to do 5 years ago. It feels so reassuring to have our embryos reunited with us and inside my body, where they are suppose to be! They spent FIVE LONG years away from us!!! I'm glad they are back with me!!!

I also feel an incredible amount of peace. Before the transfer, I felt like we were about to jump off a cliff. For whatever reason, when I told people what we were doing, people kept asking me if I was crazy. (FYI...not the best thing to ask a hormonal person!!!) I started feeling like maybe we really were crazy. I know people don't really understand the process or what it feels like to be in this position, but we really felt like we were doing what God called us to do even though it was SCARY. Fear and doubt crept in daily. Could we really handle more children? Would we be taking away from the three we have? We may have to buy a new house. A new car. A 15 passenger van. Who knows? The what if's are enough to make a non-hormonal person crazy! Just imagine what they did to me all hopped up on estrogen and progesterone!

But oh the PEACE I feel now. Perfect peace that comes from God alone. We started this journey placing our family in God's hands. We pray daily and tell God, "WE TRUST YOU TO PROVIDE". Let this be YOUR WILL and YOUR WAY. We don't trust ourselves with this area because we are TOO WEAK. We can't see the end result. We can't fathom how it's all going to work out. The only way we can make it through is with full and complete TRUST that God's way FAR EXCEEDS our own. So in this area, and hopefully in all other areas, we are taking ourselves out of the driver seat and saying "HERE YOU GO, GOD...DO WORK".

Quick story...The other night, one of my children wet the bed. In their attempt to "remedy the situation" they changed their shorts, and took a towel to cover that area of the bed and then laid down on the bed (Bless their sweet little hearts). I heard the noise, got up and went in their room where I removed the wet sheets, put a new sheet on, changed them into new pajamas, and got them all settled in a clean, fresh bed. I leaned over the bed and told them to always come and get me when something like this happens. That I would come help them and that they could always come wake me up when they needed help. That they didn't have to do it by themselves.

I was struck by how much this is like our heavenly Father. Not that I'm saying I am God, but that our God is a GOOD, GOOD Father. He longs for us to "wake him up". He watches us struggle at our own attempts to make things better, do things our way, feeble attempts to get it right. And when we simply turn to him, He is waiting right there to make things new. His ways FAR EXCEED our own at every turn. He doesn't want us to sleep on a towel, He wants brand new sheets for us! He doesn't want fear and anxiety to rule our lives, He wants to wrap us in his arms in perfect peace.

Now I have to stop here. Because last time we went through IVF, I struggled with this. I knew God was good, but what would I have said if He didn't answer our prayers. Would I still proclaim his goodness if the test had been negative? It's so much easier to shout it out on this side of infertility then it was for me those 6 long years that we were waiting. I didn't always feel like God had my best interest at heart. I didn't always feel that his plan was best. I didn't understand why He kept telling me no, month after month, negative test after negative test. Those days of struggle were hard. Lonely. Difficult. Painful. I affirm that it is definitely easier to look back and see God at work on THIS SIDE then to acknowledge it when you are in the trenches.

However, God has not changed. He wasn't "bad" before and "good" now. God is God. And what we lack in understanding, He makes up for in grace. He loves us enough to love us through the struggle and frustration and the moments where we just don't understand. He loves me enough to teach me OVER AND OVER that He is in control when I seem to forget daily. He loves us. And he's GOOD. Even when his answer is no, even when his plan is hidden, even when we can't do anything other then cry out in frustration. He is good.

So in all things, my prayer is that God's will be done. Through this journey, through our family, with these embryos...we are trusting God to make our family complete. Whether that be one baby, two babies, or no babies. Our prayer is that we continually remind ourself of God's desire to do good in our lives, because even though I may proclaim it here over and over again, my flesh longs to be in control and in charge.

Thank you my dear sweet friends and family for walking through this journey with us. I can't tell you enough how much it means to NOT BE ALONE! What an amazing GIFT that God gives us through PEOPLE. The people he's placed in our lives intentionally (like family) and the ones he lets us choose our own (like friends). I literally would not be where I am today without the faithful prayers of so many of you. You encourage me, lift me up when I'm feeling down, and commit to praying for not only Derek and I, but our sweet snow babies. We are excited about the possibility that exists through these embryos. I think of Tucker, Adelyn, and Colson's faces and dream about what another Schoen baby would look like. I love them so much my heart feels like it could explode! I can only imagine what God may have in store.

SO what's the plan from here??? I'm taking it easy through tomorrow, and then still pretty easy the next week or so. I will have blood drawn on Tuesday to check estrogen and progesterone levels. THANKFULLY after showing the nurse my severe reaction to the estrogen patches, they were able to switch me to pills! NO MORE ITCHY PATCHES!!! I continue with the pills and progesterone shots until the pregnancy test on August 22nd. If we have a positive test, I will stay on progesterone and estrogen until around 11 weeks. SO...it's time to rest, relax and let these babies GROW GROW GROW!!! We love you ALL and we love our little snow babies!

"Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10