And He will give you the desires of your heart...: Transfer Update!

IT'S TRANSFER TIME!

Well, not officially. But we do have a DATE! Next Thursday, I will travel to San Antonio for our transfer and have our teeny tiny "snow babies" implanted! Everything has gone really smoothly this time around! The little shots are done, I have estrogen patches all over my body (not really), and we are right where we need to be for our frozen embryo transfer (FET)! I will start the BIG ol' progesterone shots this Saturday, get ready for an overload of pills next week, and our little embryos have arrived in San Antonio at the fertility center ready to implant (seriously long story there). We have childcare arranged, travel plans made, and as long as everything goes according to plan, (yeah right!) we will have a nice, relaxing transfer!

I am anxious, nervous, excited, anticipating, everything you can possibly imagine all wrapped up into one big hormonal package. My hormones have taken me from crying over the smallest thing to raging over irrational non-issues. I've had sleepless nights and moments where I have absolutely no idea how in the world we are actually going to handle all that lies before us. When I sit down and think about it, it overwhelms me. The only thing I can do right now is just take one step forward at a time. Which is hard for someone who typically has the next 100 steps of her life planned out!

TRUST

It's the one thing I keep coming back to over and over again. Last time we did in-vitro, I kept saying over and over again that I couldn't do it. Couldn't do all the shots. Couldn't do all the appointments. Couldn't handle the procedures. The only was I could make it through was by trusting in God and trusting that He would give me strength to make it through.

This time is different. I know this time I can handle IVF, I've done it before. I know I can handle the shots and procedures and appointments and all of the scary medical things before me. I've done this. I've got this. It's so easy to become overconfident in my ability to "do this" and not need to rely on God to help me through.

However, I would say more than anything, this time around, I am having to TRUST God even more than 5 years ago. God is calling us to walk out on to waters that TERRIFY me. I actually do know what it means to be a mom to 3 littles and the thought of possibly having 2 more sometimes keeps me up at night. There are days where there is simply not enough of me to go around with the family I have now. How in the world do I think I can do it with 4 children? 5 children? A new job? A husband who will be traveling farther to work? The list of doubts go on and on.

But my FEAR and DOUBT lie in my own abilities and weaknesses. Our God is BIGGER than every fear, every doubt, every tear. Trusting in God (usually) means you don't get all the answers. You don't get to see the big picture. You simply take one step at a time, following what you believe is His will, and trust that His plan is far greater than your own.

Our lives are evidence of that. If anyone had ever allowed me to "plan" out my family, I can guarantee you I wouldn't have planned out 6 years of infertility, a bazillion shots, procedures, surgeries, and IVF. I probably wouldn't have planned out having 3 kids in 2 years because that sounds a little crazy. Realistically, I doubt I would have planned a 3rd, 4th, or 5th baby. And sometimes we want so badly to "jump ahead" and get a glimpse of what lies before us so that we can make plans or know how things will turn out. I'm SO THANKFUL God didn't let me glimpse ahead of what was to come because I may have RUN for the hills!

Each and every day I get to live in the goodness of NOT getting my way. NOT planning my life. NOT getting a baby the first time I wanted one. NOT getting to be the one who called the shots. I wake up to the 3 most beautiful children in the entire woman and a smoking hot husband who loves me, even when I'm a grump. I get smothered in hugs and spend my days dancing to Moana. We laugh ALL DAY LONG! We play pretend, hunt the bad guys, rock our babies, and play like puppies. We swing high, play in the mud, ride our bikes, and eat ice cream. OUR GOD IS SO GOOD! Trusting Him means just allowing Him to HEAP blessing upon blessing that you could have never have dreamed up in your life.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for us with these 2 frozen little embryos. I still have fear. I still have doubts. I'm still human! But I know that whatever may happen in the next month, it will be to God's GLORY. One of the fears I have in being so open during this process is the fear of "What if it doesn't work?" I remember being absolutely struck with FEAR the first time around before we did our pregnancy test. I remember thinking "What if I just put all this out there and it doesn't work? What if God doesn't come through?" It was paralyzing. But I have to remember that even if the answer is "no" our God will still be glorified. His plan will still be better than my own. He knows me and knows our family and He wants good for my life. Whatever the answer may be, our household will still be serving our Lord.

That being said, my heart is a little more tender this time because of the fact that we have involved Tucker and Adelyn in the process. (Colson too, but he literally has no idea what we are talking about and would rather be a monster than a big brother) The fact that they could be disappointed is definitely harder than dealing with my own disappointment. Again, I know that God is still good and I pray that He gives us the words to say to help us through whatever may come. But for now, our prayer is that God uses these embryos and blesses us with ANOTHER child(ren)!

Y'all, we COVET your prayers. I literally have no idea if this blog made ANY sense, but you can probably tell that I am ALL OVER the place! (Blame it on the estrogen) One thing I know through this ENTIRE process, is that God has blessed us with the most amazing friends and family in our life. Seriously. You people are amazing! I cannot tell you how much it means to have sweet sisters in Christ praying for me daily. To have friends who check in with me and take me to coffee when I'm crying over the silliest things. To have a husband who is literally the most AMAZING man in the world. Seriously. He LOVES me so well during the crazy. It would take a whole other blog to write out all the ways he serves me and our family on a daily basis. Our church, our friends, our family. God has blessed us in abundance. We are so thankful for your prayers and ask you to KEEP them coming. We can't wait to see what God is going to do. Blessed be His name!

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10