The night before...

The night before the twins were born...
I was a nervous wreck. I had no idea what to expect. I had no idea what I was in for in the day to come. No idea how the day would unfold. How my life would change. How in two short minutes, my entire life would be turned upside down. I wrote a blog that night before (read here) reflecting on our journey up to that point. Most of it was centered around the lessons I learned through the journey of infertility and how God had moved in our lives. I still love to go back and read those blogs and remember the feelings I felt before I first held my sweet babies. It helps me to remember how truly amazing our God is and how much He changed my entire world in just one instance.

The truth is...
The night before the twins were born I was not a mother. Sure I had carried them for almost 9 months. Felt them grow inside my body. Felt them kick and move and grow. But March 6, 2013 was the most life-changing day in my entire life. It was like all of sudden, everything I knew about the world changed. Completely. Forever.

Growing up in the church, I didn't have one of those blinding, hit you over the head moments where all of sudden I believed in Christ and my world was forever changed. I always believed in God and made Jesus my Savior as soon as I was mature and ready for the decision.

The day I married Derek, certainly changed my life, but not in an instant. Derek and I had built a love and relationship for the previous two years and getting married just solidified our commitment to each other. Sure it was life changing, but not nearly in the same way.

But the day I became a mother...
I finally knew what unconditional love was. What it meant to love something so completely and wholly that nothing in this world could ever break that bond. I knew what it meant to be completely and totally responsible for another person. Two other people actually. I learned what sacrificial love means and looks like. That I am willing to put myself aside for these two other people at any time, any day. These two little babies were placed in my arms and all of a sudden I was theirs. And they were mine. No instructions, no words, no limits...just pure, uncomplicated love.

The fears from the night before...
Were replaced with all new fears. How was I suppose to juggle two? How was I suppose to feed two? How could I handle all of this responsibility when I was exhausted? Were they gaining enough? Eating enough? Growing enough? Would they meet their milestones? Would I be enough? Could I really love two babies enough for their own needs?

His mercies are new...
Every morning. Great is His Faithfulness. I can remember crying out to my God so many times that first year in exhaustion. And then again in year two in selfishness. I fail so many times every day. As much LOVE as I have for my amazing blessings, I also fall short so many times. Selfishness takes over. Weariness takes over. I am so thankful to have a God who is willing to meet me where I am and walk with me through the valleys and peaks. Who loves me unconditionally and equipped me with EVERYTHING I need to be a mother to twins. And now to a third. Who rocked with me through the sleepless nights, prayed with me over their cribs, cried tears with me when I couldn't do it alone, and celebrated with me each milestone and achievement.

The night before the twins turned two...
I was putting to bed my one year olds for the last time and I rocked them for an extra long time. I thought about how significantly my life had changed in two short years.

I rocked Tucker first and cried silent tears into his sweet hair and savored everything about this boy that I had learned. About his cries in the beginning...which ones meant that he was hungry or wet or dirty. About how he liked to be put to sleep and spent the first year only wanting mama. About how he had changed at about 18 months into this rough and tumble boy who loves to play, yell, throw balls, hit with sticks, get dirty, and everything else in between. About how I couldn't remember a day before him because he was so much a part of me that it seemed silly to not even know him or have him in my life. That even at two he still loves his mama best and still loves to cuddle and snuggle and hold my hand while we watch TV. That I am beyond blessed to have such an incredible little boy in my life and how God had completely transformed my life and how thankful I am that God made me wait 6 years for such a blessing.

And then I rocked my Ady. My sunshine girl. My incredibly wiggly, red-headed, fire ball. That came to me making little piggy sounds and full of personality and sass. That even on her second day of life was already cracking us up with her funny faces. As she wrestled around in my arms, I breathed in her sweet smell and played with her red curls. I thought about how easy she was as a baby. How she loved to smile and talk to me while she nursed and would crack up at anything. How she loved her daddy the first year of her life and still has times that she just needs him. How she changed to a mama's girl when I got pregnant and had intense moments of needing me more than anything else. I laughed at her sassy walk, how she is SO MUCH like me in so many ways, her independence, and determination. How I can't wait to see what God is going to do with her because I know that she is going to set this world on FIRE! How I can't believe God would entrust me with such an amazingly wonderful gift and know that I am perfectly equipped to be her mother.

As I rocked my babies...
I thought about how incredible our God is. Who has made this barren woman a happy mother in her home. Who used the AWFUL pain of infertility to prepare my heart for such ENORMOUS blessings. Who knew that I could handle the task of twins. Who wanted me to experience every joy of the past two years. Who chose me to be a mother again in the most wonderful way. And has made my cup runneth over. Who strengthen me each day these past few months when I was too weary to go on. Who knows my heart and my weaknesses and has surrounded me with people to lift me up. What a mighty God we serve that I can call him Father.

On the night before I meet baby #3...
I am at peace. I am humbled. I am thankful. I am calm. I am so unbelievably ready to see what God has prepared for us. What God has been knitting in my womb these past 9 months. As AMAZING as these past two years have been, I know that tomorrow is another life-changing day. There will be a time where we can't remember life before this third baby. They will be a part of our family in such a way that we will cherish every moment from here on out.

And I know what incredible LOVE I have for Tucker and Adelyn and can't wait to experience that all again. With someone I haven't even met. I can't wait to learn all of the incredible and unique things about this new baby. How they like to be rocked, nursed, held, loved. Who they look like, who they act like, what their personality will be. What color hair they have. What color eyes. Who they prefer. What they prefer. I know what incredible LOVE I have as a mother of two and I know that God will abundantly fill me with even more as we transition to three.

I can't wait...
For the excitement of March 9th. I can't wait to look back on this day and see God's hand at work. I am looking forward to gazing into the sweet face of his newest creation and knowing what a good God we serve. And watching Him grow our family beyond what we could ask or imagine. I am ready to have my three little loves at home, and raise them with the one God made just for me. What an incredible journey God has put us on these past 9 months. On July 3rd, we found out about this little miracle. And now we are a few short hours from meeting him or her! Blessed be the name of the Lord!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" Ephesians 3:20-21